Reborn To Be The Imperial Consort [BL]-Chapter 110: Buds of A Marigold — V

Present.

Li Xinyuan opened his eyes, golden irises gleaming as he gazed up at the sky in a blank manner, his arms slackened as he once again collapsed on the grass, letting out a deep breath.

His hand once more stretched towards the sky, his eyes unfocused as he closed his fist around the crescent moon.

"That was then, this is now." He spoke, slowly pulling himself out of the trip down the memory lane. "It has been more than two and a half decades, I’m fine now."

Hu Lijing took a deep breath, staring unblinkingly at the surgeon as he let out a snort. Yeah, sure. He definitely was not lying. At all.

Li Xinyuan could be a terrible liar when he was not putting an effort to lie. Looking at him now, who would want to believe even a single word from his mouth that claimed that he was alright?

Not Hu Lijing. He knew himself and he knew Li Xinyuan well enough. But, he supposes he could let the man live in his bubble a little longer.

"I don’t believe you, but whatever you say."

Li Xinyuan huffed a laugh, his chest rising and falling as the sound rumbled in it. "Hey, thank you." He rolled his eyes, though flushed red, the sarcastic light in them was far from diminished. "Means the world to me, really."

Hu Lijing huffed, muttering something under his breath as he crossed his arms on his chest, subconsciously adopting a far away look in his eyes as though he himself was staring into the abyss of his own past.

After a while, Li Xinyuan looked away from the sky and at Hu Lijing, brows furrowed as he hummed. "Do you know why I decided to bare my heart and reveal my past to you all of a sudden?" He asked, waiting for Hu Lijing to snap out of his stupor and give him an answer.

As soon as the question fell into the nine-tailed fox’s ears, he jerked slightly and snapped his head to look at Li Xinyuan. "Hm, why?" He asked blankly.

Li Xinyuan smiled slightly, eyes crinkling as he continued laying on the grassy floor and reached out his hand, fingers gently clasping around Hu Lijing’s wrist as he rubbed the hot skin with the pads of his thumb and fingers.

"Because," he started, drawling in a low voice as he gazed into Hu Lijing’s eyes. "I want you to know that you aren’t alone. You have someone who has been through something pretty similar to you. No, I don’t mean that losing a best friend and losing a lover is the same thing, we both know it isn’t. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less for either of us."

He paused, drawing in a deep breath as he squeezed Hu Lijing’s wrist, feeling the fast beating of his heart in his pulse. "The magnitude of our sufferings is vastly different, but in the end, we both had the same reaction to it. Or well, somewhat same. We both fell into depression and I don’t really think I am completely cured of it or anything—"

"—Nor am I."

"Nor are you," Li Xinyuan nodded, a wry smile tugging on his lips as he looked up at Hu Lijing, feeling glad that the nine-tailed fox was understanding easily. "I still have nightmares of it, every so often. And I know you do it. When I felt overwhelmed, I too took the route of self-harm, in fact I almost succeeded in taking my life. But that’s a story for another day."

Hu Lijing pursed his lips together, looking as though he wanted to protest but decided to stay silent and listen.

"So," Li Xinyuan grunted as he pulled his hand away and pushed himself off the grass, the blades of it clinging to his raven locks and back. "What I am trying to say is that, admitting it and asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. We are humans—" Hu Lijing opened his mouth "—I mean emotionally we both are as humane as humans can be. Don’t deny that. And understand the meaning of my words, don’t nitpick about the choice of them, will you?" He glared lightly.

"Mhm."

"Back to topic, we both feel pain, we both can love, we both have fear, the point is—we are humans, of course we will try to either run away from something that overwhelms us or try to cope with it, but what if we don’t have the former as an option? Certainly we will try to cope, no matter how unhealthy of a mechanism it is." Li Xinyuan took a deep breath, feeling a little embarrassed but the drivel he was going on about.

"You and I, we both chose to go on with life while using self-harm to cope. I had help and I had time to get out of that slump, nightmares still plague me but now I don’t look at a knife, a sword or any weapon and have the first thought that I want to run it through my skin. Or I want to bleed... The point is, If I can do it, surely you can too. That is if you try hard enough. Moreover, you have me, Lijing. You’re not alone."

Hu Lijing mulled over his words. Yes, Li Xinyuan was not wrong. If he could do it, why could Hu Lijing not? At the very least, he could try.

Li Xinyuan stretched his arms in the air and hummed to himself as he stood up, standing tall against the moonlight as it spilled over him and outlined his silhouette. His golden eyes gleamed with residual wet sheen as he looked down at Hu Lijing from over his shoulder, a wry smile dancing on his lips as he folded his arms on the back of his head and yawned nonchalantly.

"So," he began lazily, all the elegant and graceful demeanour that Hu Lijing had seen him carrying with himself for years melting away. "That’s it for Saint Xinyuan’s sermon. You’re fortunate to have received such a precious thing free of charge. But that’s that. I gave a succinct and useful summary of my experience, next time you ought to pay me in gold."

Seeing the mischief in his eyes, Hu Lijing felt his own distress and despair evaporate as he shook his head incredulously and threw a bully leaf he’d plucked on the surgeon’s back.

"Oh, spare me the grief, Saint Xinyuan!" He scoffed, for a moment silence ran between them as Li Xinyuan tossed away the leaf thrown at him.

Then, they both burst into a fit of laughter, hearts feeling lighter than before.

"Oh-oh, the disrespect!" The surgeon exclaimed between giggles as he took a deep breath and twisted around to look down at Hu Lijing as he bent forward slightly, arm stretched out for him to take, palm facing up and calloused fingers curling inward. "Let’s go home?" He asked gently, the smile on his lips tender as he looked down at Hu Lijing expectantly.

Silence.

Li Xinyuan’s smile froze as Hu Lijing pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head.

"I can’t. I must go back to Spirit Realm. There’s one last thing that I must do."