L*ck Me If You Can-Chapter 112

“...What?”

Koi couldn’t easily grasp what he had just heard. Ashley’s expression twisted as he looked at Koi’s dazed face. That expression, which looked like both a laugh and a cry, slowly made Koi come to terms with reality.

“What... did you just say?”

He finally opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out right. The broken, scattered question was something Ashley only listened to in silence. But that silence felt even more terrifying to Koi.

Ashley had manifested.

Koi’s rational mind tried to soften the blow by reminding him of reality. I’m just a Beta.

Ashley is an Alpha, so of course, he’s different from an ordinary Beta. There must’ve been circumstances. Yeah, that must be it. I don’t even know much about Alphas. And Ashley is an extreme Alpha, far beyond a normal one. There must have been something—something that left him with no choice... There had to be.

But I waited.

Koi’s emotions started to rise, pushing past his attempts to rationalize. He said he loved me. I waited for him so desperately.

How could you do that with someone else while I was waiting for you?

Even if you had just called—if I’d at least known—no, from the beginning—

“Why would you say that...”

His resentment finally burst out. Koi lowered his head, eyes filling with tears. Heavy drops began to fall. It would’ve been better not to know. Why did Ashley have to tell him something like this?

“Koi.”

Ashley called his name. Koi looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. As he blinked rapidly, thick streams of tears ran down his cheeks. Ashley’s pale face came into view again through his blurry vision.

“No, it’s not true.”

Koi just stared blankly at him. Ashley gave a strained smile.

“It was a joke.”

Koi blinked in disbelief. He couldn’t tell what the truth was anymore. Ashley wiped away the forced smile and looked at him with a serious face, speaking again.

“I mean it. I didn’t do anything like that with someone else. You’re the only one for me.”

As Ashley reaffirmed it, the vile images he’d seen over and over again played out in his mind. A vast hall filled with naked bodies entangled, groaning. Alcohol and drugs overflowing. People indulging in every kind of position and {N•o•v•e•l•i•g•h•t} desire. Moans and screams ringing in his ears. Grotesque laughter filling his head.

〈You need to drain the pheromones.〉

The face of his father, who whispered that to him, suddenly resurfaced. That was when Ashley snapped back to his senses. Everything around him fell silent. As soon as Koi came back into focus, the anxiety disappeared, replaced by a strange calm.

“I told you, I love you.”

Saying it again, Koi inhaled a shaky breath—and began to cry all over again.

“Why would you joke about something like that...”

“I’m sorry.”

Ashley held the now-sobbing Koi tightly in his arms.

“It was my fault. Don’t cry.”

Ashley apologized sincerely. Feeling Koi’s tears slowly soaking into his thin t-shirt, he felt both pity and relief.

Thank god.

A trembling sigh escaped him without meaning to. He was glad he’d held out. If he had given in—if he’d betrayed Koi—

How badly would I have hurt him?

The past few months that felt like torture now felt, in part, like they had been worth enduring. For a moment, he felt a fleeting sense of peace and relief, but it truly was only for a moment.

Why did I say that in the first place?

He had no choice but to admit it—he had tested Koi. What if Koi had said it was okay instead of being heartbroken like this? Would I have gotten angry, asked how he could say such a thing?

Or... would I have felt relieved?

His arm, repeatedly injected to forcibly suppress his pheromones, throbbed. He knew there was an easier way. If Koi had said it was okay, he might have run straight to a party. That’s how painful it had been. That’s how strong the temptation was.

But Ashley had chosen to endure—over and over again. Just as he had refused again and again, despite coming close to death countless times over the past months.

Even so, there was only one reason he told such a lie to Koi.

So that if he couldn’t hold out any longer and finally gave in, he could give himself a justification.

Because Koi said it was okay.

But instead of saying that, Koi had broken into tears—and that was what reassured Ashley.

Thank god.

This translation is the intellectual property of Novelight.

Ashley thought it again. If Koi had really said those words, he definitely would’ve been angry. I wanted to be sure—so badly that I ended up making him cry. Just to confirm that all this pain was worth it.

I’m glad I held on.

He exhaled a trembling breath and pulled Koi tighter into his embrace. When Koi, still sniffling, slowly wrapped his arms around Ashley, his chest clenched tightly.

Of course he wouldn’t say we should break up.

If Koi knew how hard I’ve fought just to be able to see him again, he could never say something like that. But Ashley had already decided—he wouldn’t tell Koi anything. Koi, who couldn’t even imagine that kind of world, would be completely devastated. The aftermath... Ashley couldn’t even bear to imagine it.

He already knew. Even if he kept denying it, the truth was, he wasn’t any different from the others who’d been writhing in filth at that party. From the moment he manifested, Ashley had fallen into hell—and he would never escape, not even in death.

One wrong step—or even half a step—and it would be over. He’d be lost forever. And he’d be tormented by that temptation for the rest of his life. Unless Koi manifested... it would never end.

Can someone like me... still be allowed to love Koi?

A chilling fear iced over his heart.

If he ever found out what I really am, Koi would be disgusted. He’d leave me. And I don’t think I could bear that.

A shiver ran through him, and suddenly, a memory long forgotten returned. He remembered why he had come to fear that man so deeply.

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When he was little, there was one time Ashley defied his father. Just once. He had only tried to grant Ashley’s wish.

Let me die.

Ashley had been so pitiful, he couldn’t refuse. Even though he’d been terrified, trembling all over, he had wrapped his hands around Ashley’s throat and tried to strangle him. The feeling was still vivid.

Of course, he had failed—and the price had been immense.

〈How dare you lay a hand on what’s mine.〉

And worse, he’d tried to destroy what “belonged” to that man.

Ashley was locked in a pitch-black room for three days, not a pinhole of light allowed in. What happened to “Ashley” during that time, he never knew. But the next time he saw him, “Ashley” had already lost even the will to die.

I won’t lose.

I’ll never end up like “Ashley.” Gritting his teeth, he repeated it to himself. I’m not like that man.

I will never be like that.

*

While riding in Ashley’s car back to Koi’s house, the two of them didn’t talk much.

But just like before, Ashley had one hand on the wheel and the other tightly holding Koi’s hand. That alone was enough for Koi.

Whatever happened to Ashley, Koi had no idea. But one thing was certain—he’d changed. All Koi could do was watch over him and wait until he was ready to speak.

Don’t get impatient.

Koi comforted himself and adjusted his grip. Just then, Ashley laced their fingers together, brought Koi’s hand to his mouth, and kissed the back of it with an audible smooch. Then, rubbing his lips against it once more, he let go and shot Koi a glance with a smile. Koi smiled back. Determined to recapture their former easy mood, Koi racked his brain for conversation.

“Um, hey... How was the East Coast? I mean... there’s a lot of people, and it’s kinda hectic, right?”

Picturing the scenes he’d only ever seen on screens, Koi asked. Ashley, eyes on the road, answered,

“This place is better. Weather too.”

They were talking casually, like it was nothing. Koi was delighted and asked,

“Is it super cold over there?”

“It snows like crazy.”

Ashley smiled again.

“If you were there, you’d probably never leave the house.”

“Because of the snow?”

How much snow were we talking? Koi imagined Russian streets piled with snow taller than a person. But Ashley answered nonchalantly,

“No, because I wouldn’t let you out.”

“What is that even supposed to mean?”

Koi burst out laughing without realizing it. Ashley laughed too, and before they knew it, the familiar comfortable atmosphere had returned.

“So what’s a typical day like over there? Like, do people line up for coffee in the morning and stuff?”

Overflowing with curiosity and romantic ideas about the East Coast, Koi asked. Ashley gave a little hum and seemed to think for a moment, then answered.

“Nothing much.”

“Huh?”

Koi asked again, and Ashley, who had sounded indifferent before, now added more seriously,

“I mean it. It’s just bagels for breakfast and steak for dinner. That’s it.”

“All you do is eat?”

“Well, if you’re bored, you honk.”

“Honk?”

Ashley nodded.

“People over there never take their hands off the horn.”

Koi figured he was exaggerating, but it was still hard to imagine.

The West, where they lived, was always laid-back. Even if the light changed and a car didn’t move, nobody really honked. They’d just switch lanes or wait, even if it meant hitting another red light. Thinking about that made him wonder just what kind of place it really was over there.

“Um, how were your parents? Did you have a good visit?”

He asked without much thought. It wasn’t strange—Ashley had gone there for that very reason. But the moment he did, he felt the grip of Ashley’s hand on the wheel tighten, and the hand holding his squeezed harder too.