ISEKAI? More like I See Crap!-Chapter 295: Hazuki’s Unwanted Companion ( )

No one spoke.

Until a sudden boisterous laugh shattered the silence.

"Bwahaha!"

All eyes turned as Girem, still half-drunk and sitting on a crate with his herb cigar and bottle in hand, slapped his knee.

"Ye all messed with the wrong lad here!" he cackled, his thick dwarven accent booming across the rest stop. "He survived alone in a damn poison swamp—for a flower! Not just any flower, but Chusi!

The guards blinked.

The adventurers looked at each other.

Girem kept going, eyes wide with amusement.

"Aye, and he even slipped right into one o’ them poison pools—the kind that melts mithril—and he crawled back out alive... butt-naked!! Bwahahaha!"

Hazuki stopped mid-bite.

"Oi, don’t tell that part."

"Naked as the day he was born!" Girem roared. "Came walkin’ back like it was a morning bath!!"

One of the adventurers paled. "Wait, what...? Poison pool that melts mithril... and he lived?"

He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, then added—without missing a beat:

"Swingin’ his damn dick like it was a nude party!"

Hazuki sighed, covering his face with one hand. "Seriously, old man. Why that part?"

Ridan, floating behind him, grinned wide. "To be fair, it was really funny and disgusting."

"And back in one piece!" Girem barked with pride, lifting his bottle high. "All he said was—’The pool smelled bad.’ Bwahahaha!!"

Hazuki stared blankly at the fire, skewer still in hand, lips pressed into a thin line.

"...It did smell bad, though."

Ridan hovered just above him, whispering like a conspirator, "Honestly, the real threat was the view. That thing cast its own shadow."

"Ugh... just drink your drink, old man." Hazuki muttered.

"Aye! I was! Hic." Girem grinned, taking another hearty swig from his bottle, swaying slightly where he sat.

Hazuki eyed him suspiciously. "Never thought I’d see a dwarf get tipsy off alcohol."

"Heh? Of course not, lad!" Girem puffed his chest proudly. "Dwarves don’t get drunk easy. But this one here—" he held up the bottle and wobbled it slightly, "—this ain’t yer tavern swill. This be mountain-brewed, hammer-distilled, two-century-old blackroot. Super strong, ye know! Got a bite like a cave bear an’ a kick like a mountain goat!"

"Right... no wonder you’re hiccupping every other sentence."

Girem just laughed again.

Hazuki leaned back, stretching slightly, then casually glanced around.

"By the way, old man..."

"Nye?" Girem blinked, bottle halfway up to his mouth again.

"Where’s your beast?" Hazuki asked, finally realizing the massive creature that pulled the wagon earlier was no longer in sight.

Girem blinked.

Paused.

Then looked around, a bit confused.

"Ah—ma big boy? Hmm... he probably wandered off somewhere."

Hazuki raised an eyebrow.

"Wandered off?"

Girem waved it off. "Aye, he does that sometimes. Big ol’ thing’s smart. Probably chasin’ somethin’. Come to think of it... he might’ve been the reason the monsters came over. Maybe they were runnin’ from him."

Hazuki deadpanned. "So you’re saying the entire horde... ran straight into us... because your beast was chasing them?"

Girem took a casual sip.

"Aye. Most likely."

Hazuki pinched the bridge of his nose.

Ridan floated beside him and whispered, "Mystery solved. The real danger was the old man all along."

"Nye!? Don’t blame ma big boy!" Girem barked, nearly spilling his drink. "He knew what he doin’! Smart as any beast I raised!"

Hazuki waved him off. "Yeah yeah... sure he did."

He gave a glance toward the overturned carriage.

The merchant’s daughter was still there, sitting beside the broken wheel with her arms wrapped around her knees, sniffling like a kicked puppy.

Hazuki sighed, biting into what was left of his second skewer.

"Now that brat’s sobbing over there."

Girem followed his gaze, squinting.

Then snorted.

"Ha? Not ma problem, ye hear?" he said with a shrug, taking another swig. "She barked like a royal hound and got bit like one too. Lesson learned!"

He paused, squinting toward the sniffling girl by the flipped carriage.

Then his eyes gleamed with mischief—a sly grin curling beneath his beard.

"AH!! MONSTER BEHIND YE, LITTLE GIRL!!" Girem suddenly shouted, voice full of fake panic.

"W-What—!?" the girl’s eyes went wide with terror. She whipped her head around, saw nothing, then let out a panicked scream and bolted toward the nearest "safe" figure—

Hazuki.

"WAAAHHH!!"

She dove forward and latched onto him, hugging his waist with a trembling grip.

Hazuki froze mid-bite, meat skewer hovering near his mouth.

"...Huh?"

Hazuki blinked.

Then slowly looked down.

And felt it.

Warm.

Wet.

His face twisted in panic.

"OI!!! GO PISS SOMEWHERE ELSE!!" he yelped, flailing. "WHY ME!? WHY MY PANTS!?"

The girl clung tighter, still sobbing. "D-Don’t let them eat meeee!!"

"YOU ALREADY RUINED ME!! WHO CARES ABOUT MONSTERS!?" Hazuki shouted, desperately trying to pry her off. "MY PANTS!!"

Girem was already rolling on the ground, red-faced and crying from laughter. "AHAHA! Truly the bravest adventurer in the land! Facin’ horde of monsters one minute, piss-huggin’ brat the next!"

"Eeeekkk!! GET OFF ME, GIRL!!" Hazuki shouted, frantically trying to pry her off. "My pants are gonna be soaked!!"

He squirmed, pulling at her arms, but the girl just hugged him tighter, trembling and sniffling.

"Oi! You—this girl’s butler!!" Hazuki shouted over her head, eyes wide with rising horror. "Go get her a new dress or something!! This one’s leaking!! EEEK!! GIRL, GET OFFFFFF!!"

Despite his best efforts, she wouldn’t let go.

Hazuki’s hands hovered awkwardly in the air, unsure where to even push.

"Damn it! I only have ONE pant!" he cried. "Now I’m gonna be sleeping in piss! This world sucks!!"

Meanwhile, the butler, having recovered from the chaos, calmly approached the overturned carriage and opened a trunk. He retrieved a small travel bag and a folded spare dress.

Without a word, he walked briskly back toward Hazuki and the clinging girl.

"My apologies, sir. She panics easily. Here—this is her change of clothes."

Hazuki glared at him. "NOW she panics!? Not when she yelled at everyone or tried to fight monsters with her mouth!?"

The butler bowed slightly, unfazed. "Indeed. The cycle is consistent."

"Oi, then help me peel her off! She’s like a tick! A WET tick!"

After a while, the girl’s sobbing slowly faded. Her grip loosened—not completely letting go, but no longer squeezing Hazuki like a lifeline.

Hazuki stood frozen, twitching slightly, looking down at the miserable mess attached to his waist.

"Oi..." he said flatly, "Go get changed. You’re gonna stink of piss. And more importantly—you’re making me stink of piss."

The girl mumbled, still holding his shirt. "B-But... but... the monsters..."

Hazuki threw his arms up. "There are no more monsters around!! You just saw me kill all!"

She looked up at him with teary, trembling eyes.

Hazuki groaned, turned to the butler, still clinging to the last threads of his sanity.

"She didn’t bring any maid?"

The butler, calm as ever, gave a slight bow.

"No, sir. The lady refused to be accompanied by her usual retinue, claiming ’they nag too much’."

"Unbelievable." Hazuki deadpanned. "You brought five armed guards, two escorts, a D+ adventurer party, but no one to clean her piss?"

"She insisted."

Hazuki looked back down at the girl.

She blinked.

He sighed.

"...Fine. You. Take your bag. Go behind that rock. Change."

Hazuki let out a tired sigh. "Go change your dress. Or I’m not staying anywhere near you."

"B-But..."

"Ugh..." Hazuki groaned, rubbing his temple. "Fine. I’ll walk with you. But that’s all, alright? I’m not helping you change."

He turned toward the butler. "You still have another two carriages aside from the main one, right?"

"Yes," the butler nodded. "But... pardon me. The horses meant to pull them ran off during the attack. They’re still intact, but they’re stranded here."

Hazuki sighed again. "Perfect."

He looked at the girl. "Go change inside one of those wagons."

"...Nooo!"

Hazuki’s brow twitched. "Why are you so hardheaded!?"

He looked over at Girem, who was taking another swig from his bottle, watching the scene with vague interest.

Girem’s face twisted in disbelief. "Hey... don’t tell me... No. No way. She’s not—"

Hazuki gave him a flat look. "Yes. She wants to use your wagon."

Girem groaned, waving his bottle like it was the end of the world. "Fine, fine! But she better not piss in the wagon, ye hear!?"

Hazuki looked back at the girl, then pointed. "You heard him. Get inside, get changed. And don’t touch anything that isn’t yours."

The girl pouted but finally moved, dragging the dress and her bag toward Girem’s wagon.

Hazuki stood still, muttering under his breath.

"This better not turn into another problem."

That night...

The camp had quieted.

The adventurer party, after tending to their wounded and healing what they could with basic magic, had all turned in for the night—exhausted, but alive.

The two guards who had escorted the merchant’s daughter were slumped near their bedrolls, armor loosened, half-asleep.

Only the butler remained standing, silent as ever, his posture straight despite the long day.

Hazuki glanced around the resting area, then spoke.

"Go rest. All of you. I’ll keep watch tonight."

The butler turned to him. "Are you certain, sir?"

Hazuki nodded once. "You’re all exhausted. I’m used to being alone on the road anyway."

The butler hesitated, then bowed slightly. "Understood. I’ll wake early to relieve you."

"Fine," Hazuki said, then looked down.

The girl was still there, sitting close to him, eyes refusing to close. She clung lightly to his sleeve, afraid to lie down even with the fire nearby.

Hazuki sighed. "Go sleep."

"B-But..."

Hazuki looked away, sitting down cross-legged near the fire, right beside the makeshift sleeping spot someone had prepared for her earlier.

"I’m right here. Near the fire. I won’t go anywhere."

The girl stared at him for a long moment, then slowly—hesitantly—laid down, her hand still resting near his coat.

Hazuki let out a quiet breath and kept his eyes on the darkness beyond the firelight.

( End Of Chapter )

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