Captured By The Cold Detective (BL)-Chapter 545: Why Am I Still Alive?

Cw: trigger warning is a major spoiler. Just... proceed with caution :)

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Beep... beep...

He Juan felt like he was suspended in nothingness. His consciousness was fragmented and he had become a mere specter in the void, simply existing without purpose. Time had no meaning in this state. Sometimes, faint voices would travel through the darkness and reach his ears, though he couldn’t tell for certain whether they were real or just a product of his imagination.

Had he died?

Or was this how the afterlife really was? A boundless expanse of void where nothing really mattered?

Beep... beep...

Within the darkness, many faces would flash before him like fleeting afterimages, too quick for him to grasp onto. Some bore smiles, some filled with laughter, while most glared at him with great hatred, resentment and sorrow. It was then that he realized— ah, this was the weight of sins he had to bear.

During this period, it would be a little hard to bear. If he had to use words to describe it, it was like having his body pulled and torn in different directions at the same time, sinking him deeper and deeper into the abyss.

Beep beep beep beep!

"... another seizure..."

"... Doctor Jia...!"

"Damn it, XIU! You have to get through this! Come on, you can’t fucking die on me!"

It was at that moment that the voices were the clearest. Every single time he thought his consciousness would scatter into oblivion, an invisible force would drag him back to the surface again and again, keeping his soul bound to the mortal world.

How much time had passed? An hour? A month? A year? He Juan could no longer tell. In this suspended space of time, he felt nothing but an overwhelming, bone-deep exhaustion. He wanted to shut himself down like he would a computer, he wanted to vanish, to crumble like a fragile sandcastle and go wherever the wind carried him.

But in the end, he still woke up.

Even after such a horrible accident, he still evaded the clutches of death with a sliver of life in his body.

The first breath He Juan took was laced with the heavy scent of disinfectant. His consciousness returned to him in increments, and it was like there was a layer of bubble separating him from the world, rendering his vision foggy and unclear. He couldn’t sense his entire body, and the realization made his weary heart skip a beat.

"...XIU?" An indistinct voice called out, and a blurred figure loomed over him. "Oh for fuck’s sake, you’ve finally opened your eyes! How long will you remain unconscious? Do you take yourself as a sleeping beauty or something?!"

Despite the unpleasant noise, that grumpy voice did wonder to clear the haze out of his mind. He blinked his heavy eyelids, and the other person’s features gradually came into focus in front of his eyes. He struggled to part his lips, his breath fogging up the oxygen mask. But before he could utter a word, his heart gave a lurch and his body – his numb and heavy body – began to seize and convulse uncontrollably.

"Fuck!" That was the last thing he heard before he succumbed to another long sequence of oblivion.

The cycle kept repeating. Sometimes, he would be strong enough to remain awake for half a minute, and other times, only a few seconds. Throughout it all, he could faintly sense Jia Molei by his side, half cursing and half threatening him not to die.

For some inexplicable reason, it made He Juan feel like laughing.

He couldn’t understand why the doctor was putting in so much effort to keep him alive, but he was still feeling moved nonetheless. However, he couldn’t shake off a question that had been plaguing his mind since he was lucid enough to discern his own condition.

Why am I still alive?

He had been so determined to die when he crashed the car into the guardrail, so why was he still here? Was the mercy of death too much for a sinner like him?

It took a while longer before He Juan’s condition gradually improved, and he began to stay awake for more than ten minutes. It was then that he learned how Chen Youzhi and Jia Molei had never left his side since the accident.

Almost four months had passed ever since, and Jia Molei had managed to secure a legal position at a private hospital in the neighboring city of Yuyang, also where He Juan was currently recuperating.

According to Doctor Jia’s assessment, He Juan could survive purely due to luck – though he would beg to differ. He had fractured bones all over his body, not counting the internal injuries and other implications that might occur. But perhaps the worst had been the head injury, which was the primary cause of his recurring seizures during this recovery period. The heavy concussion had led to brain swelling, and Jia Molei had to cut open his skull to save his life.

Right now, an unsightly horizontal scar marred He Juan’s forehead where the incision had been made, making his appearance look a little terrifying.

(Or so Jia Molei had claimed. He Juan had not yet seen it for himself because his head was wrapped in thick bandages.)

All in all, considering the circumstances, this was the best outcome anyone could have ever hoped for.

"As long as you don’t go courting death again," the doctor emphasized each word with a deadly glare. "You will recover just fine."

He Juan merely blinked and took a gracious sip of water Chen Youzhi was feeding him. With his body nearly invalid, Chen Youzhi had transformed into a perfect nurse that tended to his each and every need. He could only suppress a sigh and allow the man to fuss over him.

The two of them took turns to visit him every single day. Chen Youzhi would be mostly silent as he observed He Juan’s condition, while the nagging part would be assumed by Jia Molei. He Juan did not ask questions – he did not ask how Luo Xuan was doing, the recent developments following Xuanlong’s downfall, or even anything about the life he had left behind – but Jia Molei filled him in regardless.

"I have severed all my ties with the underworld, but based on my observations, the odds of your Boss surviving are rather slim. Even if he does pull through, he might remain in a comatose state at best..." Jia Molei rambled on and on, and when he noticed that He Juan’s eyes were lowered, seemingly as though he did not pay any attention, he swiftly changed the topic.

"Oh, by the way, your little brother has been buried beside your parents’ graves, just like you have requested."

That succeeded in capturing He Juan’s attention, though Jia Molei couldn’t quite discern the emotions that flitted through his eyes. "I see. Thank you so much, Doctor Jia."

Days slipped by like the pages of a book turned by a gentle breeze, and seasons changed. From spring to summer, and on to autumn, He Juan’s condition continued to improve in a slow but steady way. This was undoubtedly good news, and Jia Molei found his mood lifting when he saw that He Juan could already sit up by himself, and he had even started to exercise his hands.

"Take it easy, don’t force yourself," he couldn’t help but chime in. "You can work on regaining your mobility later. For now, just focus on healing your injuries. Have you gotten thinner again?" He furrowed his brows when he noticed He Juan’s slightly sunken cheeks. "Did you even finish your dinner last night?"

Chen Youzhi answered the question on his behalf, "He threw them all up."

"You did?" Jia Molei approached the bed and checked the patient’s data on the board. Everything appeared normal, and He Juan’s physical condition was improving in a steady state. "What’s wrong? Do you still feel nauseous, headache or dizzy?" He inquired the patient, earning him a sheepish look.

"Just a little."

"Fuck, why didn’t you tell me something so important?!" Jia Molei couldn’t help but nag again, and Chen Youzhi, knowing that this would not end in minutes, swiftly took his leave with the excuse that he had a phone call to make, leaving He Juan to fend for himself.

"Are you listening to me? Hey!"

"Alright, alright, I will tell you next time, okay?" He Juan finally relented with a helpless look, just to make Jia Molei stop nagging for the time being.

Jia Molei glared at him, "Do you think there will be a next time?! You bastard, what’s so funny, huh?!"

He Juan tried to rein in his laughter, but the slight twitch at the corner of his lips gave away his true feelings. He shook his head in mirth, then called out softly, "Doctor Jia."

"What?"

"He Juan. That’s my real name."

Jia Molei was taken aback by that sudden revelation. All this time, He Juan had been using a fake name during his hospitalization. No one had suspected anything because firstly, the private hospital would treat him as long as he completed the payment in full, and secondly, Jia Molei had lied by claiming that He Juan was his relative. However, Jia Molei had not expected that there would come a day when the obnoxious and sly XIU would voluntarily divulge such personal information.

In an instant, Jia Molei grew cautious. "What’s wrong? Do you have a fever? Have you eaten the wrong medicine?"

He Juan gave him a look as though he did not know whether to laugh or cry. "I just wanted to tell you after everything you have done for me. Can’t I? After all, the two people who know my real name have..." he faltered at this point, and Jia Molei knew better than to pry.

He could guess that one of the people He Juan mentioned must be his little brother. Then what about the last one? Despite the nagging curiosity, he strictly kept his mouth shut in order not to trigger the patient’s trauma.

"He Juan, huh?" Not one for pleasantries, Jia Molei could only give him a thumbs-up and praise dryly, "Nice name."

He Juan couldn’t help but burst into laughter.

Seeing that carefree smile, Jia Molei couldn’t help but feel melancholic. It seemed like it had been so long since he saw this kind of smile on He Juan’s face. Relief flooded his heart, and he felt like he could finally put down the stone hanging in his heart since the accident.

The improvement in his patient’s condition undoubtedly left Jia Molei in an extremely good mood, and he went about his rounds that day with a cheerful tune humming in his throat.

Alas, he had no idea that he would be forced to change his mind so soon.

Because that very same night, He Juan tried to kill himself.