The Lycan king-Chapter 64

*Leonora*

I was seated on Jax’s couch as I stared at the end credits. That was the most gut wrenching movie I had ever watched. I sniffled and wiped the tears off my eyes, not wanting to seem like a baby in the presence of Jax. I turned to look at him and he was sleeping. I chuckled a bit wondering how he was able to sleep to such an amazing movie. But I couldn’t judge. I knew I would have slept off if it were an action movie.

I got off the couch and lifted his legs into the couch so that he could be a lot more comfortable. He stirred lightly, adjusting his body in the couch. I was confused as to what to do next as it was still bright and Jason was asleep.

"My Leo." I heard Jax mumble in his sleep and I smiled. I knelt down by the couch and placed a kiss on his forehead. It seemed weird that not too long ago we were at each other’s throat, fighting. Now here we were trying to give our relationship a chance. In a way, it feels a bit one sided on my end. I wasn’t too sure if I was all in. I still had so much to deal with personally and it felt like I was tired. Tired of all these drama, tired of not being enough, tired of hating myself and hating Jax, tired of all the unnecessary standards that have been put in place for me.

Seeing Bethany find her mate today, made me feel some type of way. I was so happy for her and sad for myself. She found someone who willingly accepted her no questions asked whereas it was the opposite for me. Jax hadn’t accepted me at first. I had to go through so much before we could even have our first kiss- my first kiss.

A part of me felt like Jax would never be able to fully commit to me. I could still remember the way he looked at me while Rachel was grinding on him. We had never spoken about it and I’m not sure if I ever would but I hated it. Knowing that he had shared parts of himself with someone else. She had spent more time in his bed than I ever have. She had seen him and kissed him. She might even be in love with him and wanted to push me out of the way.

I felt irritated because it wasn’t only Rachel. Claire was also in the picture and he had lied to me that he told Claire off. How was I supposed to believe that? Did he think I wouldn’t notice? And the way he told me to hide in his bathroom like I was some secret that he wasn’t proud of made me feel terrible.

I sighed as the realization set inside me. I would never be enough for him. He would always want someone or something else. His heart is too big to fit just one person and I would have to get used to it.

Bethany was right. I should have just accepted his rejection from the beginning. I wouldn’t have been in this mess and my heart wouldn’t have been put through so much stress.

I sat on the floor which my back to the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs as a way to hug myself. How was I going to explain how I felt to Jax? And would he even listen to me? He had shown me countless times that he didn’t care about me or how I felt so why should I think differently now? There was no one I could ask for advice because they would all say the same thing. It was the price I had to pay for being the King’s mate. I had to deal with his lack of commitment, his promiscuity, his anger, his dishonesty etc. I was literally his punching bag- that was my job as his Queen and I had no say.

I really wished one of my parent were here. Someone that I could run to whenever I needed help. Someone that I would pour my heart and soul to. Jax was so lucky that he had the council and so many people that would listen to him and advise him unlike me. I had only Bethany and in some cases Shirley, who still had her own battles she was facing.

I hated the way I was feeling and I just wanted everything to stop. I felt Jax stir followed by a hand brushing my hair away from my neck.

"You should have woken me up." I heard Jax say followed by kisses on my cheeks and neck. "Is everything okay?" He asked me and I nodded. I couldn’t tell him anything because he would try to say it wasn’t true.

"Then look at me." He ordered and I adjusted to face him. I tried not to look at his eyes because I didn’t want him to see a glimpse of how I felt. "Was the movie that sad?" He asked and I nodded. "Okay come here and let’s cuddle." I pulled myself off the floor and laid down beside him, resting my head on his arm.

I wish there was a way for me to telepathically tell him how I felt or maybe there was a way he could feel it. I just wanted to be free of this burden.

"Leo, I don’t think it’s just the movie. What’s going on?" He asked and I squeezed myself closer to him in response. I knew if I said something I would break down but I am so tired of crying and being weak. I wanted him to look at me with respect. I wanted him to see that I was not the little girl he knew years ago and I was more mature and stronger.