My Stepbrother, My Enemy {BL}-Chapter 187: Because I Love You

Ethan’s brow furrowed deeper, confusion taking over. "Because you love me?" he repeated, soft and bewildered.

I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself as if that could hold me together.

"Because I love you, I can’t keep pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. I’ve been confused about things I never expected to be confused about. If I stay with you while I sort it all out, I’ll end up hurting you worse than I am right now. I need time to figure out what I want, before I drag you through something unfair."

The words felt clumsy and inadequate, but they got me closer to the truth without naming the shadow that had started following me everywhere—Adrien’s quiet presence, the way my pulse quickened when he looked at me too long. I couldn’t say his name here, not across from Ethan in this booth that smelled of tomato sauce and teenage memories.

Ethan stared at me for what felt like an eternity, sadness settling over his features like dusk falling slow and inevitable. When he finally spoke, his voice barely a whisper. "How long, Noah? How long do you think this break will last?"

My heart cracked at his question, at the gentle, broken way he asked it—like he was bracing himself for an answer he wouldn’t like. I wanted to reach across and take his hand, but I was terrified that if I touched him, I’d lose whatever fragile resolve I had left.

"I don’t know," I admitted, tears spilling over no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. "I’m not sure how long it’ll take to clear my head. But when I do... when I know for sure... I’ll come find you. I promise."

He nodded slowly, the motion small and mechanical, like he was trying to convince himself this was okay. I could see the effort in him to be understanding and patient, not pushing or begging for answers I didn’t have. That kindness only deepened my guilt.

"Okay," he finally said, the word heavy with reluctance. He rubbed a hand over his face, then let it drop to the table. "I’ll wait. However long it takes, I’ll wait. If that’s what you need... then we’ll take a break."

The words sounded like they cost him something vital, but he said them anyway, because that was who Ethan was—the boy who would rather let me go than force me to stay when I was unhappy.

Tears prickled at the backs of my eyes, hot and sudden. "I’m so sorry," I whispered. "I never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that."

He gave me a small, sad smile that didn’t reach his eyes. "I know you didn’t, Noah." Then he picked up his pizza again, took a bite like everything was normal, even though we both knew nothing ever would be the same again. "Eat your slice before it gets cold," he said quietly, nodding toward my untouched food.

I stared at the pizza, my stomach twisted into knots. The smell of oregano and melted cheese, usually one of my favorites, suddenly made me feel sick. But I picked it up anyway, because he’d asked and because pretending for just a few more minutes felt like the least I could do.

We sat there in the noisy pizza place, eating in silence, two people who once finished each other’s sentences now struggling to find any words at all. And somewhere deep inside, beneath the guilt and the ache and the terror of what I’d just done, a tiny part of me felt lighter—like I’d finally stopped carrying a secret too heavy for my shoulders.

But that relief tasted like ash, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever forgive myself for it.

The generosity of it nearly broke me. I pressed my lips together to keep from sobbing.

Ethan pushed his chair back and stood, offering me a faint smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

"Guess we’re not as hungry as I thought," he said, trying for a joke even though his voice cracked. "Want me to take you home?"

I nodded gratefully, because saying anything else felt impossible. He paid at the counter without another word, leaving most of our pizza untouched, and we walked out into the cool night air that smelled faintly of pine from the holiday decorations still strung along the streetlamps.

The drive to Oakfield Mansion was quiet again, but softer this time, like we’d both run out of fight. I stared out the window at the passing lights, blurred through tears I kept wiping away when I thought he wasn’t looking.

Every now and then, I’d feel his gentle gaze on me, but he didn’t push. He just drove, one hand on the wheel, the other resting on the gearshift like he didn’t know what to do with it anymore.

When he pulled into the long driveway lined with bare oaks, the mansion’s windows glowing against the dark, he parked the car but didn’t turn off the engine right away. I reached for the door handle, my chest aching with how final this moment felt, when his voice stopped me.

"Noah... can I ask you for one last thing?"

I turned back to him, my hand frozen on the handle. "Anything," I said quickly, meaning it completely. After what I’d just put him through, after placing everything on hold, I owed him whatever he needed.

He looked at me for a long second, something raw and vulnerable flickering across his face. The porch light from the mansion caught the gold in his hair and made the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes more noticeable. Whatever he was about to ask mattered more than anything else tonight.

Ethan let out a slow breath through his nose, nodding as if he’d expected something like this all along. When he looked up at me, his eyes shone with unshed tears, but he blinked them away quickly.

I had the nearly irresistible urge to backtrack...and tell him this was all some dumb prank, that there was not way I’d ever want to be apart to figure out some dumb feelings...

But there’s no way I’d ever do that now.