ISEKAI? More like I See Crap!-Chapter 351: Into the Cursed Icy Lands ( )

One week later.

"Achooooooooo!!!"

A long, jelly-like snot string launched from Hazuki’s nose the moment he stepped onto the icy ground.

He shivered violently. "Damn it! I can’t believe one step is warm and the next step is Antarctica! What the hell is this world’s logic!?"

He quickly hopped backward onto the dry ground again.

Warm.

Cozy.

He even started sweating a little.

"Ahhhh~ this is nice... this is warm... this is..."

Ridan floated next to him and dramatically wrapped his arms around his puffy body.

"Brrrrrr... I... feel... so... cold... because... I’m... dumb..."

A thick winter jacket suddenly appeared on him as he shivered pathetically.

Hazuki glared up just in time to see Ridan’s cloudy nose produce a fake snot string.

"Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!" Ridan sneezed exaggeratedly right in Hazuki’s face.

"DAMN YOU, RIDAN!"

"Ehehehehe!" Ridan spun around him smugly. "That’s what you get for being stupid! I told you to buy an enchanted jacket! But nooooo~ ’Hazuki the Genius’ said he’d use fire magic to warm himself~"

"Shut up..." Hazuki muttered, pulling out his sword. He channelled mana into it and flames burst to life around the blade.

He took a brave step onto the icy land.

"AHHHHHH!!! WHY IS IT EVEN COLDER!?!?"

Ridan exploded in laughter. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! I TOLD YOU!! Fire magic doesn’t work here, genius! This place is called the Cursed Icy Lands for a reason!"

Hazuki hopped back to the warm side, shaking violently.

"What kind of cheat area is this!? WHY IS COLD WINNING AGAINST FIRE!?!?!"

Ridan smirked.

"Simple: you’re weak."

Hazuki exhaled sharply. "Whatever..."

He braced himself and stepped back onto the icy ground, instantly shivering like a vibrating machine.

"D-D-Damn! L-Let’s just get this over with, Ridan! Show me where the Icy Leaf is so we can get the hell out of here! The longer we stand still, the worse it gets!"

"Yes yes~" Ridan floated beside him casually, completely unaffected.

Hazuki gritted his teeth. "Ridan! Can’t you do something about this cold!?"

"Hm? Like what?"

"You were a genius wizard in your past life, right!? Can’t you cast some fire barrier or warmth spell or something!?"

Ridan rubbed his chin dramatically. "Hmm~ let me think..."

Hazuki waited.

Ridan continued floating.

"Actually, I do know some ancient magic that can warm you up," Ridan said smugly. "But it’ll cost a lot of mana. However~ since you have an infinite mana pool... I don’t think you’ll have any problem, right?"

He turned, ready to brag more.

And froze.

"...Hazuki?"

Hazuki was already frozen, encased in a solid block of ice like a frozen museum exhibit, eyes half-open.

Ridan’s eyes widened.

"OI!!! DON’T DIE, YOU IDIOT!!!!"

Ridan circled the giant ice block in a panic, even though Hazuki’s body was clearly frozen stiff inside like some cursed statue.

Ridan wiped the corner of his eyes.

"Damn... what a short life this dumb idiot had... sob sob..."

His fake tears fell dramatically as he floated around the ice.

He tapped the surface with his tiny cloud hand.

"Hmmm... I wonder how long he’s gonna stay frozen? One week? Two?"

He floated upside down, thinking seriously for once.

"Well... I don’t think this guy will die."

Ridan rubbed his chin. "He fell into a poison swamp that can melt mithril, came out totally naked, and the only thing he said was ’Ugh... disgusting.’"

"And when he breathed in that Hidun Grass hallucination gas that kills people in one sniff, he just fainted for an hour and woke up complaining about being hungry."

He floated backward, squinting.

"Not to mention he fell into lava once, burned all his clothes off, climbed out naked again, and complained he lost his gear for the third time."

Ridan slapped his puffy cheek in disbelief.

"This dumbass doesn’t just have huge resistance..."

He smirked.

"He’s just naturally built durable."

Ridan placed both hands behind his head and floated lazily.

"No wonder those two mysterious guys picked him..."

A smug grin spread across his face.

"He’s the only idiot freak of nature who could survive all that."

After floating around for hours, Ridan exhaled dramatically.

"Man, I’m bored..."

He spun lazily in the freezing air.

"Waiting for this dumb idiot to naturally build resistance is the most boring thing ever..."

He drifted a bit farther, circling the area like a tiny, irritated guardian spirit.

Meanwhile...

Crack.

A thin fracture ran down the ice block.

The ice shattered violently, shards flying like frozen glass.

Hazuki stumbled forward, shivering hard.

"Brrr!!! It’s cold... Huh? Where’s Ridan?"

He looked left.

He looked right.

He checked above.

Nothing.

"Ridan!?"

Hazuki rubbed his arms and trudged forward, teeth chattering.

"Where is that damn purple cloud...? Whatever. Guess I just have to start searching on my own."

He stopped.

"...Wait."

A realization hit him like a brick.

"I don’t even know what Icy Leaf looks like."

He cupped his hands around his mouth.

"Oi! RIDAN!!!"

No answer.

"RIDANNNN!!!"

Still nothing.

Hazuki clicked his tongue.

"Ceh... did you die again and go straight to hell or what!?"

A sudden purple puff appeared right beside him.

"I HEARD THAT!!!" Ridan yelled, glaring with all the fury a tiny cloud-ball could muster. "And for your information. If I ever go anywhere, it’ll be HEAVEN! Not hell!"

Hazuki raised a brow.

"Huh? A spirit who loves boobs like you thinks he can go to heaven? Keep dreaming."

"Yeah yeah... whatever."

Ridan grumbled and landed on top of Hazuki’s head, sinking into his hair like a warm hat. He glanced down.

"I honestly thought you were gonna die inside that ice."

Hazuki exhaled heavily.

"Don’t know... but damn it’s cold, man... It’s like winter back in Japan..."

Ridan stared down at him, watching Hazuki hug himself, shivering violently, muttering "cold cold cold" under his breath while white fog puffed out with every exhale.

Inside Ridan’s head:

Damn... this guy really just... doesn’t die from natural disasters, huh?

Encased in an ice block and still fine... if it were anyone else, they’d be declared dead already.

Hazuki kept walking, steps stiff, hugging his thick jacket tight.

"Ridan... show me the way to this damn Icy Leaf already. This cold is getting worse..."

Ridan let out a long sigh.

"Don’t worry. Just keep walking. I’m sitting on your head because I’m guiding you. Didn’t you notice the trail? You weren’t even walking straight."

"Huh?" Hazuki looked behind him.

He stared.

Nothing.

No footprints.

No trail.

Just untouched snow and ice stretching endlessly.

"...Ridan. There’s no trail."

Ridan smirked.

"Oh there was. You just walked in a perfect circle for ten minutes, dumbass."

Ridan grabbed Hazuki’s hair like reins.

"Alright, my dumbass human. When I pull left, you walk left. When I pull right, you walk right. Easy peasy."

"Yeah yeah..." Hazuki muttered as he walked forward.

Ridan tugged the left side of Hazuki’s hair, then suddenly yanked both sides.

"Oi! What direction am I supposed to take if you pull both!?"

"Just walk straight," Ridan replied with a smug little smirk.

"You could just let go if you want me to walk straight! What if I go bald because of you!? Ellyn won’t love me if I’m half bald!"

"Heh! Don’t worry about being bald."

Ridan puffed up proudly. "I’m an ancient, powerful wizard. I know how to grow your hair back fast. Besides, have you seen anyone fully bald?"

"Err... not yet... but that’s because I haven’t toured the whole world..."

"Ah right~" Ridan said, tossing his imaginary hair confidently.

Hazuki squinted upward at the purple puffball sitting on his head.

"...Wait a minute."

Ridan looked down. "What?"

"You could just point the direction with your voice. Like a GPS."

"Heh! I’m not your old-world GPS, stupid. ’In one thousand kilometers, turn left~’"

"Ugh! Just hearing that from you is annoying." Hazuki groaned. "And I remember clearly, you did act like my GPS once. Kept telling me to turn left when the left side was a freaking gorge."

"Bwahahaha!! Because it was fun!"

Ridan yanked Hazuki’s right hair, making him veer right.

"Oi! Stop playing around!"

"Hey, enough complaining, Hazuki." Ridan snickered. "We’re partners, right? So just trust this partner... who would never betray you! Ehehehe."

"Yeah yeah... never betray me," Hazuki grumbled.

"Hey! It’s true!" Ridan snapped. "I never once betrayed you. Well... not counting teasing. But every time I give you real advice, you never listen! Remember when you got lost in that desert because you refused to follow the direction I told you?"

"Ugh... you still remember that, Ridan?"

"Of course I do."

Ridan tightened his tiny grip on Hazuki’s hair like a disappointed parent. "And now look at this! I told you to buy the enchanted jacket so you wouldn’t suffer in the hyper-cold areas! And what did you say?"

"It was expensive," Hazuki muttered.

"Yeah? And now look at you, shivering like a soaked puppy."

Ridan pointed ahead with his puffy arm.

"This is the Cursed Icy Land, genius. The further you go, the colder it gets. And the place where the Icy Leaf grows?"

Ridan leaned down, whispering ominously.

"Let’s just pray you don’t freeze into another ice block before we reach it."

( End Of Chapter )