I'm an Infinite Regressor, But I've Got Stories to Tell-Chapter 392

WeTried Translations

The Suicidal X

Noh Do-hwa.

There was once such a woman.

Do, the wave.

In the character for wave, it is the part that holds the meaning of a ceaseless swell.

It is not calm water at all but the heaving that never rests, like surf.

Since ancient times water like that has been a hell one could hardly cross, a demon’s lair that stole lives again and again, so perhaps the forebears called it water on which a person’s span of years was laid.

Do-hwa, a river where those waves run.

No Do-hwa, the road that crosses such a river.

“Eh?”

The fork that had just touched a chocolate cake stopped in mid-air and Noh Do-hwa looked my way.

Then she smiled brightly.

“What are you staring at so hard, Mr. Undertaker?”

“…”

“If you want a taste you can just say so. Here, aah—♪”

With practiced ease Noh Do-hwa cut off a neat bite and held it out to me on the fork.

In countless bits of subculture this would be the scene with the sign that says, “Dear customer, please feel your heart skip here,” yet my heart was surprisingly still.

When I took a mouthful of that extravagantly precious chocolate cake, Noh Do-hwa propped her chin on her hand and gazed at me as if I were something lovely.

“Is it good?”

“Yes, it is delicious.”

“Hehe, thank goodness. Work has kept you so busy we could hardly have any private time. Going on a date just the two of us on such a fine day, I like it.”

“…”

For a moment the hesitation in my mouth mingled with the sweet-bitter scent of chocolate.

“…Is it good for you too, Ms. Do-hwa?”

“Mm?”

Do-hwa blinked.

“Of course. The cake is wonderful, and it has been ages since I enjoyed dessert with you, Doctor-ssi. How could I dislike it?”

“…”

That could not be.

Noh Do-hwa disliked sweets. She allowed only the faint hint that drifted out of certain drinks, and from the first she had rejected desserts ferociously.

Unless her palate had flipped overnight in the thousandth run, she could not be eating chocolate cake with that happy face.

Therefore.

“Mmm. The bakery here really is excellent no matter when I come.”

The Noh Do-hwa smiling in front of me was lying.

From the cheerful lift of her brows to the angle of the hand holding the fork, from the outfit chosen for a date to the tone she used,

even this moment that looked as though someone had cut out the piece of daily life labelled ‘happiness’ and pasted it on with care,

all of it was false.

“Ah.”

Perhaps spending time in the bakery had been a mistake. At the entrance Dang Seo-rin walked in, saw us, and came to a halt.

It was no coincidence. This place was one of her regular haunts.

“What the—”

A short while ago, if she had seen us sharing cake like lovers, she would have screamed.

“—Noh Do-hwa and the Undertaker!”

But not now.

Smack.

Seo-rin walked over without hesitation and slapped palms with Noh Do-hwa, no anger, sorrow or caution on her face.

Her heart had clear fences.

To anyone once acknowledged as family, her side, an ally, Dang Seo-rin gave endless generosity and friendship.

“See? I told you last time this place is really good, that delivery doesn’t compare at all!”

That friendship was now in the look she gave Noh Do-hwa.

This, too, had happened only in the thousandth run out of all the cycles I crossed.

“Yes, it is definitely different. I used to have a bias against cakes, but eating it here I finally get the appeal. Hehe, thank you, Ms. Seo-rin.”

“Haha. Ah— I shouldn’t block your date! Undertaker, don’t forget lunch tomorrow! Bye!”

“Uh, yeah, okay…”

“Do-hwa, have fun!”

Seo-rin waved and trotted off to the owner. Until she left with her reserved cake she never spared us a glance.

“…”

Not long ago I remembered a talk with the Saintess.

[Ms. Do-hwa has been adjusting the others’ schedules behind your back, Mr. Undertaker.]

– Adjusting schedules?

[She told them this.]

[I have no intention of monopolising the Undertaker. We are dating but I will not take it to the physical level.]

[It is fine for all of you to spend time with him.]

“…”

[I understand your possessiveness, but if you let me coordinate I will manage the calendar so none of you feel left out. Please trust me.]

[Except.]

– Except?

[Do not show the Undertaker any hint of it, ever. That was her order.]

“…”

[I am sorry. Even telling you this breaks the promise I made, but I thought you had to know.]

[After this I will keep silent.]

If the Saintess was right, Noh Do-hwa was still backstage managing the relationships inside the Regressor Alliance.

So that Dang Seo-rin would not feel left out. So that Cheon Yo-hwa would not explode. So that Lee Ha-yul would not be shunned. So that Sim Ah-ryeon or Oh Dok-seo would not grow lonely.

Oh Dok-seo once said that the nerves and clashes inside the Alliance were as nasty as a hardcore soap opera.

Yet Do-hwa was doing it, as if a difficulty of that level could not hinder her once she made up her mind.

Compared with leading the National Road Management Corps and ruling a ruined peninsula, it was child’s play.

Effortlessly.

“Huh. You keep staring at me, Mr. Undertaker.”

Noh Do-hwa leaned over the table, wiped my mouth with her thumb.

“You had chocolate on your lips.”

“Ah.”

“You said you would patrol the Void this afternoon, right? Please be careful.”

She playfully licked her finger and smiled.

“While you are gone, I will guard the city and the towns.”

Time passed.

Everything was perfect.

Dang Seo-rin had joined the Regressor Alliance at last, and I no longer had to tiptoe around using her as an asset.

Impossible.

The constant friction between Seo-rin and Yo-hwa, for some reason, vanished. They were not friends but they recognised and understood each other. Noh Do-hwa always smiled between them.

Impossible.

Sim Ah-ryeon, who had once viewed other people like dust, learned bit by bit how to draw near. Oh Dok-seo later told me Noh Do-hwa had worked to exhibit Ah-ryeon’s paintings.

Impossible.

Lee Ha-yul opened her guarded heart not only to me but to Noh Do-hwa. It was natural. Do-hwa had fitted her with a prosthetic leg, and if that same woman spoke with warmth, how could a girl who had always wanted family refuse.

Impossible.

“Wow, mister, I feel really happy these days.”

“…”

“People don’t fight, the Alliance unnies get along great. Even ones who used to clash fatally are fine now. This has to be a miracle, right?”

Everything was perfect.

Time flowed.

The day the Monster Wave smothered the last human stronghold, Dang Seo-rin was there, Cheon Yo-hwa was there, everyone was there.

They met death, yet it was hard to find unhappiness on their faces.

Humans may not live forever, but if they die with those they love they accept the end with humility.

The lines broke and broke again, and at last we fell back to the roof of the Tower of Babel, the last barricade.

“Ah.”

“…”

“They have all gone ahead, Mr. Undertaker.”

Only Noh Do-hwa remained beside me.

Naturally. She had no fighting strength, yet she was too valuable to lose, so she had stayed in the safest rear.

With clothes torn here and there she smiled faintly.

“Still, I did not see how the other runs ended, but… these days felt very happy.”

“Is that so?”

My voice rasped out thin. I could not help it.

To seal Leviathan we had to suppress aura as much as possible.

Even without that handicap the Wave had been close to impossible. With aura sealed, clearing that nightmare was beyond hard.

“Were you happy, Ms. Do-hwa?”

“Yes.”

The answer came at once.

“I met precious people.”

Still smiling, she pressed her right hand to her chest, as if to prove it with the beat of her heart.

“In a world this broken there are still those who fight for themselves and for someone else, and… I met the man I love, and I can die with him.”

“…”

“Mr. Undertaker.”

She opened her eyes wide.

“Were you happy too?”

Silence.

Boom, boom, behind the steel door the flesh of monsters pounded without end.

“…”

This was the last moment.

We were holding thanks to the puppet strings Ha-yul had set at the cost of her life, but soon they would break through.

“I have thought about it constantly.”

I spoke.

“Yes?”

“The turning point. When you accepted that strange message from the elder twin.”

“…”

“What words did Cheon Yo-hwa use, and why did you decide on a fake relationship with me. I could never understand, so for decades I kept wondering.”

“Hmm.”

She tilted her head.

“Is it that hard? I like you. I love you. I kept pretending not to, then her message provoked me, became the trigger, and we started dating.”

“…”

“The fake part is only the label. We pretend but our feelings are real, we grow closer, truly fall in love… It happens a lot, does it not?”

Perhaps.

The past decades, the thousandth cycle, had been sweet enough to tempt me to that mistake.

“No.”

But a good chocolate cake always hides bitterness at its core, and at the centre of every photo titled Happiness Noh Do-hwa was smiling.

“Director Noh Do-hwa. All you care about is wounding me.”

“…”

“Your reason is noble, but your emotions are trash. Calling you scum is not enough.”

Boom. The door quivered.

“Why, why say such things now? Even I, if the one I love says that, i-it hurts—”

“You admit I am a fine person. I thank you. But you did not join me to see the world grow bright.”

“Sorry? I don’t—”

“You want to witness the moment I break.”

“…”

Screech. Something scraped the door. A claw, or teeth.

“When you read the word Yo-hwa sent, you asked yourself.”

Q. How do you leave the deepest scar on the Undertaker?

“A simple bad ending? Too weak. I have seen too many stupid deaths.”

A. Think the opposite.

“So, give the regressor who chants happy endings the greatest happy ending imaginable.”

“…”

A happy ending.

Seo-rin and Cheon Yo-hwa no longer fight.

Ha-yul is not lonely.

Ah-ryeon, Ji-won, Dok-seo, all of them share time with me thanks to a perfect schedule.

“You showed me I can always reach the path closest to everyone’s happiness.”

“…”

“As long as one person, Director Noh Do-hwa, bears all the unhappiness.”

Noh Do-hwa had been indifferent to people. She broke that and forced herself to mediate.

She had cared nothing for clothes. She studied fashion, dressed up for me.

She never shared emotions. She cast aside her monopoly so everyone could share my time.

By carving away her own nature she produced one result, the Alliance’s happiness.

“And you…”

“I?”

“You led me to become trash who feels joy in that artificial ending.”

“Oh dear, you think I have such vile aims?”

“Yes.”

“Then all the more, answer my question.”

She looked at me.

“Mr. Undertaker, are you happy now?”

Creak, the door bent. Tentacles of flesh oozed through.

“No.”

“Oh my.”

“I dislike the you before me. Director Noh Do-hwa does not say ‘oh my’, she does not smile like that.”

“Goodness.”

“The person I trusted to guard the towns while I was away does not have such a clean smile. I did not admire her because she was perfect, but because although she was trash who always grumbled, she never dodged her duty.”

“My.”

“I dislike you.”

“Ummm.”

She smiled.

“Was I dumped just now?”

“Yes.”

“Ah, how sad. I really liked you. I worked so, so hard to make you happy.”

“…”

“I ran the organisation. I managed the relationships. I handled two missions nobody else could do. And yet you prefer—”

She stepped closer.

“Someone trashier than someone this perfect?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

She covered my eyes with a hand and darkness fell.

“Close your eyes, Mr. Undertaker.”

“…”

“And turn on Mind Reading.”

Mind Reading. An ability I rarely used, especially on comrades. She had once begged me never to use it on her. Why ask now?

“Is it on?”

“…Yes.”

“Then listen to my last confession.”

Blackness behind my eyelids, her hand blocking sight.

“Mr. Undertaker.”

Amid the noise of monsters squeezing through the crack, her whisper.

[Awakener Undertaker.]

And the white letters Mind Reading drew.

“I was happy.”

[I was miserable.]

“…”

“There were hard times, but watching you and your friends grow closer was a great reward.”

[It was revolting.]

Whispered sounds, silent monologue, two lines tightening around my heart.

“Even though you rejected my love, I have no regrets.”

[In all these decades there was not a single moment for my own wish. You dragged my life into yours.]

“You must be confused. Your comrades are all gone.”

[I knew this ending from the start.]

“So, please remember.”

[Do not forget this moment.]

“I will always exist as your answer.”

[Do not forget that happiness for all is impossible.]

“If you wish, I will stay and help everyone get along.”

[Did you hope you could choose everyone and me at once?]

“I love you.”

[I hate only you.]

At that instant my lips were sealed. A kiss stuffed with lies.

[Do not breathe.]

Her voice faded, only thoughts burned white.

[No, breathe only the air I exhale.]

“…”

Strangely, I thought I heard her soft laughter.

[Remember with that clever head.]

[This is your thousandth ending.]

After that I recall little. Until my breath stopped I stayed in darkness. Perhaps I suffocated though her hands were not on my throat. Perhaps the door burst and the monsters devoured us in an instant.

Yet with extraordinary memory I could never forget the first cause that led here.

– If you date me, from that moment every word and act of mine will be a lie.

The fact that I nodded, that I accepted it with my own body, must be blamed.

Therefore, my thousandth cause of death was suicide.

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