How to Get Girls, Get Rich, and Rule the World (Even If You're Ugly)-Chapter 36: How to Fight Forest Monsters

"Dante..." Thalia murmured, already pulling the mule back.

"I saw it," I replied, lowering my hand toward my pickaxe. "And I can confirm I didn’t like it."

The forest at night had a kind of silence that made you question whether your own footsteps were even real. Every creaking branch felt like a warning—or an ambush. Even the mule—usually dramatic—was now walking like it was apologizing to the ground.

The trail narrowed between ancient trees, their thick trunks twisted like broken spines. Moonlight barely slipped through the leaves, and the air smelled of damp wood, like something was rotting. It was in that charming atmosphere that the eyes began to appear.

First two. Then five. Then more.

Red. Glowing. Blinking in the shadows with a hunger that didn’t need explanation. It wasn’t just a reflection. It was looking back. It was moving.

And then it emerged from the darkness—one of the creatures.

| ENTITY PROFILE: THE BARKLING |

| Type: Symbiotic Forest Predator

| Classification: Ambush Beast / Corrupted Guardian |

| ATTRIBUTES |

Strength: 16 (Can crush bone with blunt strikes)

Durability: 18 (Body of living wood, resistant to conventional blades)

Speed: 20 (Erratic but extremely fast movement)

Fire Resistance: Low (Takes high fire damage, but retains mobility)

Cognition: Primitive Pack Instinct (Acts on reflexes and sound-based commands)

| ABILITIES |

► Splinter Leap [Active]

→ Leaps long distances with root-like legs. On landing, causes area damage and destabilizes terrain.

► Sap Howl [Active – Pack Signal]

→ Emits a dry howl that draws nearby entities of the same kind. Also marks weakened enemies.

► Photosynthetic Rage [Passive]

→ When hit with fire damage, enters a frenzy for 1 turn, ignoring pain and control effects.

| WEAKNESSES |

→ Vulnerable to direct fire and ignition-type elemental magic

→ Struggles to move on smooth, wet, or rocky terrain

→ Loses coordination if the group’s leader is destroyed

It looked like it had sprouted straight out of the forest—tall, lanky, made of living bark, with limbs like broken roots and long thorns protruding from its shoulders. Its face—if you could even call it that—was just a hollow pit of darkness, with rows of wooden teeth where its core should’ve been.

The creature didn’t wait for an invitation. It leapt forward on branch-like legs as if trying to clear the distance between us in one bound. The mule reared up and nearly threw Thalia off. I dove to the side, rolled in the dirt, and raised my hand on pure reflex.

"Ignis!" I shouted, and a short flame burst from my fingers, lighting up the space between us in a red-orange flash.

The creature halted for a moment. Living wood burned. That was a good sign. But only for a second.

It roared. A dry, cracking sound, like branches being crushed from the inside. And then it came again—ignoring pain, ignoring flames, ignoring everything. It was too fast. Irrational. Like it didn’t care about survival—only destruction.

Thalia pulled a dagger from her back, took a shaky aim, and threw it. The blade bounced off a thicker part of the creature’s body.

"That helped a lot!" I shouted.

"Then you try hitting it!" she snapped back.

I rolled under a clawed swipe, felt the wind of it graze past my head, and fired a smaller fireburst straight at its leg.

It staggered.

But it didn’t fall.

The monster let out another scream. Horrible. Dry. And again, the branches around us stirred.

More eyes appeared. More red. More hungry.

"Oh, great," I muttered, grabbing Thalia by the arm. "Just what I wanted today: to become the main course of a woodland dinner party!"

"You said it was just a peaceful walk!"

"I lie very convincingly!"

The first creature backed away, dragging itself while keeping its eyes fixed on us, as if calling for backup. As if marking territory before the hunt.

We ran. There was no other option.

The road behind us vanished into roots, mist, and red eyes multiplying like mosquitoes in stagnant water. They weren’t going to stop. Not until they got us. Or until they were burned to the last splinter.

And I didn’t have that much mana.

The forest swallowed the path as we ran. Trees seemed to close behind us, like being stitched together by invisible hands, and the red eyes—damn those eyes—kept coming, growing in number and aggression. Thalia panted behind me, tripping on roots, dragging the mule by its lead like that would save anyone. It wouldn’t.

"Go ahead!" I yelled, spinning just as I heard another branch snap behind us. "Keep going until you find a clearing or shelter!"

"And you?!"

"I’ll talk to them! With fire!"

She hesitated. Of course she did. But then she ran, vanishing into the shadows with the mule snorting and her breath ragged. And I stayed.

Alone. With a pickaxe. And a level of mana I’d be embarrassed to write in an arcane report.

The first one came leaping, its barky arms stretching out with inhuman speed. I threw myself to the side, landing flat in the mud. The claw swiped where my neck had been. I rolled. Got up.

And struck.

The pickaxe hissed through the air—heavy, awkward, but true. It hit the monster’s knee with a crack of splintering wood. It staggered. For a second. Just one.

But it was enough for me to cast the spell.

"Ignis fractum!" I shouted.

A short, concentrated blast shot from my free hand and hit the creature square in the chest. Smoke. Fire. Wood splinters flying.

It screamed. A tree-dying kind of scream—dry, ugly, cruel.

But it didn’t fall.

It came at me again, even while burning, even while wounded. And another one appeared beside it.

"Oh, great. You’re like termites with legs," I muttered. "Wonderful."

They came at the same time.

This time, I used the terrain. I’d noticed a thick root to the left, half-rotten. I leapt that way, faked a stumble, and let the bigger one chase me. When it lunged, I jumped. It stepped wrong, its leg cracked—and down it went. The pickaxe followed right after, straight to the creature’s temple, splitting its "head" like a poorly chopped log.

"One-nothing for the pickaxe guy."

But the victory tasted bitter. The other monster didn’t attack right away. It backed off. Backed off and... screamed.

Not a roar. Not a threat.

It was a call.

Deeper in the forest, more eyes lit up. Many. Dozens. Maybe a hundred.

A chill ran down my spine.

My breathing faltered. My arm was shaking. Mana? Critically low. And, of course, my only decent weapon was now cracked. I had won a fight. But the war was coming.

I took a step back.

"Okay... time for a heroic retreat."

I ran back toward the trail, my heart pounding to the rhythm of incoming threats.

But something had sparked in me. That monster—I’d brought it down. Me, the guy with a reputation as a nosy outsider with no future. I had taken down a creature made of living bark and hatred with an old pickaxe and a handful of fire.

I smiled, even while gasping for air.

Maybe this trip was going to be more fun than I thought.

That’s when I heard the scream.

High-pitched. Sharp. Cutting through the forest silence like an arrow in the dark.

It was Thalia.

Blood froze.

Breath vanished.

And every instinct in me screamed at once:

She wasn’t supposed to be screaming.

"If something happens to her, Gideon’s gonna kill me!"

I straightened up.

Forgot the pain, the low mana, the red eyes still closing in.

And I ran.