District 42-Chapter 154: Just a nightmare

Casper woke up, raising his body quickly at the same time as he breathed in a good amount of air. His mind was operating at full speed, he was feeling suffocated and his body was hot as hell. His eyes were filled with tears, and he wiped them out as quick as possible with his trembling hands.

He was not feeling too well. He was so sick that he thought he could go any time to the bathroom to throw up his last meal. Casper’s vision was spinning, which contributed to his sickness, and he was feeling like his head had 3 times its weight; it was too heavy.

The soldier tried to get up from the sofa, but he had not too much strength in his legs to maintain his body on its feet, so he fell backward again.

He looked to his palms, his heart beating frantically, seemingly about to pierce his chest. He was recollecting all the previous events, trying to think what possibly he had dreamed that let him so confused and sick like that.

Bit by bit, his memory was returning, he could grasp some little parts of his dream, but not all of them.

"After all this time... I can’t believe that I had this dream again... I thought that it would have already vanished..." His mind was going wild, and the events of that day were showing off in his thoughts, which made his nausea get even worse.

"You said that someday we get used to sleeping, huh?" He mumbled to himself, getting pensive. "I think that you have always been a liar, marshal."

Casper needed to stay resting for some while. It wasn’t easy to face his dark past like that, to remember all the people he once loved and cared so much for. Even though all of them were just professionally involved with each other, they were still his team, his friends... It was difficult to bear their death.

From time to time, the soldier needed to pass for that kind of situation. Maybe it was the punishment he got for being irresponsible and powerless, not knowing what to do to help his friends.

Sometimes, he wondered if he should have done more... Actually, the most frustrating thing was that he did not know if something could have been made before. That was the first time that the talented military man, the genius, the hero of the Yanke Forces, was faced with destiny, with a decision he could not change, a situation he could not influence, a time when nothing could be made.

"To think that a single mistake like that could bring so much disgrace to my life, and make me feel this way dealing with people..." For countless times, he had remembered of Sionnach, or that family he could not save in that same day. It was too much for the soldier to bear. Too many mistakes, like the one he did when dealing with that operation that Napoleon had to give to him.

After that day, seeing how assertive the marshal was, and how determined Ana showed to be, Casper realized that weak and tiny people also need to make harsh and big decisions, even though they hadn’t the strength to surpass them. Some choices are a must to be made, no matter what type of person you were.

A human being had just two ways to overcome this: be strong enough to face anything that appears in the future, or stay weak and bear the consequences. It was very difficult to do this, to be that strong 100% of the time. However, it was way harder to have this feeling inside the heart, that at any time something could appear in front of you, and it would be more powerful than you, and fight would be the only thing you would be able to do there.

Casper sighed after thinking on that realization again. He remembered to have had rambled with someone about that thing, or maybe he dreamed as well, not too long ago.

"I think I gotta go to tidy up myself and organize things around here. Keep sitting on the bed and got pensive about these things have nothing good to offer to me. I need to work on my things." He, then, could find the strength needed to stand still on the ground and walk around hastily.

Casper started to organize everything inside his apartment since it was so messy for a long while. The Ridires had messed up with it, and Casper knew exactly why they did that but he preferred to not argue about that little thing. He didn’t have many things inside there, either way, so it wasn’t so difficult for him to tidy up the place quickly.

Casper wasn’t the same person he was when he entered that world. It wasn’t being too much time since then, but he learned a lot of things, fought with powerful people, raised his influence, and everything else. He had a lot of things to do, still, but even so, it was good progress for such a short time.

"I have some work to do when I go to the laboratory, I still have to raise my reputation among the Jarls and Ridires as well, besides the projects I left undone..." He stopped for a while to walk around the apartment, looking outside the window. "I wonder if, when I finish all these things, I will be capable to keep whatever I want with me forever..."

"Forever" was a word that Casper couldn’t help but relate to lies. It wasn’t something that he could believe after everything he passed for. He couldn’t imagine how strong he must become to achieve that level.

"I think I just want to be strong enough to be confident again... confident that, no matter how dangerous the situation, I am able to save, at least, the most important people for me."

He was remembering now of the most recent conflict he was involved in. Until then, he hadn’t thought about the consequences of all that escape. After being recognized by all the prisoners, Casper forgot that, from 512 prisoners of Halden, less than 350 were left alive, and a lot of them ended up hurt. If not for some lucky he got here and there, more could have died in that process.

He would never forget what happened in his last operation inside the Yanke Forces, nor Sionnach’s death, that family... and now all those prisoners burning in front of him.

"I think things will get better once I get out of this apartment. Now that I finished with everything I needed to, I will go meet Vick. We had something up for today... I don’t know exactly what she is planning to do, though.

Casper got out of the apartment, taking the stairs of his building since he didn’t like to take the elevator. He had some traumas related to those things, in part, Halden had his own portion of guilt on it.

It was being a struggle for Casper to be able to descend too many stairs. While in the prison, Casper couldn’t take care of his nutrition or workout, and it got worse in the last week when he needed to go often to the Dark Zone. His body was all messed up, and he was still in rehabilitation.

It was frustrating for him to have lost that much capacity because of some weeks inside the prison. He was trying hard during his period of recovery, his discipline was being impressive for the nurses, who were finding their work way easier because of him.

After what seemed to take a whole hour, Casper finally could exit from the building. Everything was ok until then. He confirmed if the Master key was still In his pocket before he left, and also the mask attached to his waist. Then, he gave the first step outside the place and felt like his entire body was being smashed for a strange pressure coming out of nowhere. A brief memory passed through his mind, and he could remember what he thought on that day after he was leaving the place where the operation would take part in.

"The weight of a life is heavier than I thought before."

That day just served to remember him how many lives he was carrying on his shoulders, and how much he had to struggle just to keep walking.

"I really don’t get it... How can I be so strong to carry all the consequences of my mistakes, but not to stop being wrong all the time, to take the worst paths, and everything else? " Casper couldn’t understand anymore. It was a metaphorical question but seemed to be real, he could truly feel his body heavier by the guilty to have let his comrades die.

"Focus, soldier! Just... Just focus... It was a nightmare... A nightmare that passed a long time ago." Casper shook his head, brushing off those thoughts, and kept going forward, like he always did.