Became a Failed Experimental Subject-Chapter 55: I’ve Been Thinking a Lot More

Finally, the long-awaited weekend.

With no proper jobs still available, I’d been filling my stomach with minor monsters, and had now arrived at the paradise known as the free soup kitchen.

“Ooh! Free guy! You made it!”

“Mister’s alive!”

It was still early, before many people had arrived.

Drooling, I stepped into the park and ignored the people greeting me, keeping my eyes fixed on the food counter.

Right now, everyone looked too delicious—better not to look.

Yu Hyena walked up beside me, carrying a complex mix of emotions, and called out to me.

“Mr. Han Muryo! I’m so glad you’re safe, I was worried.”

“Worried?”

“During the Bad Cats attack, you didn’t go to a shelter—you ran off somewhere, right?

Then we heard reports that a hero got taken out by a monster inside a shelter...

And since you’re an unregistered psychic, we couldn’t contact you.

I was wondering if you’d show up this weekend... and what if you didn’t...”

“I see.”

When I responded without even looking at her, Yu Hyena yanked on my pant leg like she wanted me to see her.

“...Hey, this is when you’re supposed to say, ‘Thanks for worrying about me.’”

“Is that something to be thankful for? Why?”

“Uh, um... well, because... I—I was hoping you’d be okay during the monster attack?”

“I hope you’re okay too. So should you thank me?”

“W-well... yeah?”

“Then let’s just call it even.”

“Uh... o-okay... yeah...”

For some reason, even though we exchanged thank-yous, Yu Hyena gave off a scent like dark, sticky chocolate from somewhere in her emotions.

Didn’t seem like she was in a good mood.

Leaving her alone, I scooped food into a tray and sat down to take care of the meal.

After one bowl, I felt a little more human again.

Now that I had some energy back, I went for a second helping—

Only to find Yu Hyena standing there with that weird fizzy-sweet flavor, like some strange candy, and a sulky expression.

“Hey, Mr. Han Muryo, I was really worried about you.”

“I’m hungry.”

“Hmph... Did you starve for days or something?”

“I haven’t eaten since that last bowl of gukbap.”

“What? Wait, why? Why not?”

“I figured if I ate, nobody else would get food.

No money, no jobs, not many restaurants open.”

“Ah...!”

“I’m very hungry.”

Yu Hyena’s face suddenly brightened, and she walked up beside me to grab a tray.

She filled a tray just like mine and followed me back to my seat, placing it down next to me and sitting with me.

“Eat up. I had no idea... If you’re eating this much, you must’ve been starving.”

“You must’ve been hungry too.”

“You think I eat this much? I got it for you. I’ll keep helping you get more, so eat quickly.”

While I emptied one tray, Yu Hyena brought the next one without a word.

The residents of Zone 4 started whispering as they watched.

“Something’s going on there. She’s acting like a newlywed bride.”

“If he saved me like last time, I’d fall for him too.”

“Save me twice and I’d give him a kid.”

“Wait—aren’t they giving him all our food too?”

“We can hear you!”

“Yeah, that’s the point.”

After eating about four trays' worth amid the laughter, my hunger was finally starting to fade.

Feeling better, I returned with Yu Hyena to fill the next plate.

“Your eyes look softer now. A minute ago, you looked like you could chew through a steel plate.”

“Feel like I’m alive again.”

“Is it safe to talk to you now?”

“Mm.”

“...Did you get hurt during the Bad Cats incident? Were you hiding somewhere?”

“Was moving around a lot. Still tired.”

“You didn’t fight a Despair-class monster or anything, right?

My sister said it was just the heroes fighting this time...”

“Hm.”

“Eat slow. Here—water.”

Figuring nothing good would come from continuing that topic, I stuffed a chunk of meat into my mouth.

Next to me, Yu Hyena unscrewed the cap on a 1.5-liter plastic bottle.

While I drank straight from the bottle, gulping it down, she rested her arm on the table and stared directly at my face.

“Hey, Mr. Han Muryo.”

“What is it.”

“Well... to tell the truth...

While I was in the shelter, I thought a lot of things through...

We live in a world where anything can happen anytime, right?

Monsters showing up like constant natural disasters.”

“That’s true.”

“So... um... you know...”

“Speak.”

“Back at my house... that thing, what was that about?”

“That thing?”

“You said I looked... delicious...”

The sticky-sweet scent rising from Yu Hyena reminded me of the mothers in Black Cat Park.

They’d reacted strangely, too.

“Does ‘you look delicious’ have some meaning I don’t know about?”

“Eh? Ah—no, I mean... What—what did you mean, Mr. Han Muryo?”

“Exactly what it sounds like.

You looked like freshly-boiled beef.”

“...Boiled beef?”

“Today you smell like beef radish soup.”

Yu Hyena furrowed her brow at my explanation, raised her arm, sniffed herself—

Then slammed her forehead against the table with a scent like bitter dark chocolate.

“What’s wrong? Dizzy?”

“No... it’s just... all the feelings I had these past few days turned out to be stupid...”

“Why?”

“I’m never telling you.”

If she didn’t want to talk, I saw no reason to press.

Glancing at the food line, I lightly tapped Yu Hyena’s waist, still slumped beside me.

“You don’t need to check the line?”

“...Don’t wanna.”

“Shouldn’t you greet the people?”

“I only do that because I want to, not because I have to. Don’t chase me off, please?”

“Mm.”

Why was that?

A flavor like sticky, bitter maple syrup oozed from Yu Hyena.

Still filled with emotions that didn’t seem entirely pleasant, she leaned her arm on the table again and said,

“You know, I’ve been sitting here with you this whole time...

Don’t you have anything to say?”

“Mm...”

What does she want me to say?

I chewed on a piece of meat, thinking for a moment, then swallowed.

And remembered what I had wanted to say to her.

“What you said last time—it helped. Thanks.”

“...What?”

If I had kept compromising during 444’s rampage, clinging only to what was realistic, the damage would have been far worse.

If I had chosen to eat Starlight—or the humans—then it would have been an irreversible ◈ Nоvеlіgһт ◈ (Continue reading) decision.

“...That’s not really what I was hoping to hear, but I’m glad it helped you, Mr. Han Muryo.”

She’d known.

Back when she handed me that water, she already sensed that I was dodging conversation.

Yu Hyena tapped—tap, tap—at the table with her fingertips, closed her eyes, and seemed to sink deep into thought.

“I don’t know what happened, but... something did, right? You don’t want to talk about it in detail?”

“I don’t know how I would.”

“I’m curious, though—can I ask what part of what I said helped you?”

“The choice.”

If Starlight hadn’t been there when I faced 444—

If Gu Seoryong hadn’t come to help—

The damage would have kept spreading.

The fact that Gu Seoryong had helped me... That too made me feel a lot of things.

“I tried to make the most realistic choice possible, but the more I did, the more it felt like I was shaving pieces off of myself...

But when I thought maybe it was possible—and made a reckless decision instead—the result wasn’t so bad.”

“So that choice was ideal for your situation?”

“That’s right. Thanks to you.”

“Oh...”

The scent often found in monsters that are carrying offspring rose faintly from Yu Hyena.

Hesitating a little, she patted my back, then clapped her fingers softly together.

“Good job. Try to keep doing that, okay?”

“If it’s something I can do, I will.”

“This time, you followed the rules too, right? You didn’t go overboard or anything...?”

“There’s something I’ve been wondering about.”

“What is it?”

“I think making an ideal choice depends on too many conditions.

If those conditions aren’t met, the realistic choice is always faster, always more efficient.”

If Starlight had kept treating me as an enemy—

If Gu Seoryong hadn’t responded to my call—

The damage would’ve grown worse and worse.

Even though I ended things in the end, really... if, before Starlight had even cleared up the misunderstanding,

I had eaten one... no, two shelters—four or five psychics—

If I’d done that the moment I sensed I couldn’t handle them alone—

I could have reduced the total casualties by half.

“Following every rule at all times—that’s idealism.

But ideals are hope. And when you chase hope and fail to catch it... everything disappears.

So is chasing the ideal always the right thing?”

“...That’s a hard question.”

Yu Hyena lifted her gaze and looked up at the sky, lost in thought.

“I think sometimes, depending on the situation, you have to break the rules for something more important.

But still... I think rules are basically the right thing.

I don’t mean we have to be bound by them, though.”

“So, nothing’s really decided.”

“Right... it’s hard.

But I guess, when you break a rule, it should be for something really important.

Like breaking someone’s car or a building to save someone.

Then you just break it.

And if someone says that’s wrong, then like you said before, Mr. Han Muryo—maybe it’s the law that’s wrong.”

At that answer, I hesitated for a moment—

Then decided to be honest about what had been weighing on me.

“If I could save fifty people by killing ten, do you think I should have killed the ten?”

“...Huh?”

“If I had personally killed those ten with my own hands—fifty would have definitely lived.”

“That’s not... like a trolley dilemma or something, is it?”

“Trolley?”

Yu Hyena’s expression tensed with unease.

She took a long gulp of cold water, then looked at me with a more serious expression than before.

“I don’t know what you went through, Mr. Han Muryo, but no one can give a real answer to that question.”

“Why not?”

“Because it assumes all ten... and all fifty... have to be sacrificed.

That burden doesn’t belong to you.

So... you don’t need to feel guilty or anxious about it.”

“Anxious...”

I turned her words over in my mind.

Anxious—am I anxious right now?

Didn’t really feel like it.

“I don’t know if this really answers your question, but...

At that moment, just do the best you can.

And now, think about what the more ideal method might’ve been.

A lot of times, the choices we’re faced with aren’t even ‘realistic options’—they’re compromises.

It’s not about making the best choice—it’s about choosing what sucks less. How good could that ever really be?”

It’s true.

Back then, I hated both of the options I had.

It was more like trying to pick which of the worst choices was the least bad.

With eyes that burned like fire, Yu Hyena stared at me and spoke firmly.

“I think... instead of saying, ‘sacrifice ten to reduce the damage,’ we should be asking, ‘how can we save everyone?’”

“But didn’t sacrificing ten actually reduce the damage?”

“There’s no such thing as a person it’s okay to sacrifice.

Who decides that?

You?

What gives you the right?

How can you be sure that person has to be the one to die?

And if you’re going to make compromises like that—

Why isn’t getting stronger one of them?

Isn’t it a hell of a lot better to fight for strength than to fight for excuses about why people have to die?”

“If you hesitate like that, fifty people will die in the end.”

“Even if the result turns out badly,

we should still try the way that doesn’t require anyone to die.

And if it fails this time, then next time, do it better.

Save more.

Choosing to kill ten people—thinking that’s your only choice—that’s already a compromise.”

It’s unrealistic.

What she’s saying could lead to even more victims.

So to chase the ideal anyway...

In a way, it’s more cruel and cold-blooded than a monster like me.

But the more I listened,

The more it felt like...

She might be right.

“If you keep compromising, you’ll keep stepping back.

Then next time, you’ll have to sacrifice even more people.

And then more... and more...

There’s no growth in that.

You have to keep pushing forward to reduce damage the next time.”

“So instead of reducing damage now, you’re saying it’s better to reduce it later.”

“It’s even better if we can reduce both.

But to reduce damage now, we would’ve needed to act more ideally before.”

The more I listened, the more it made me think.

If I had joined forces with Starlight—and the heroes—from the very beginning...

Maybe there would’ve been zero casualties.

If only I’d known such a choice was even possible.

“...Did something happen that made you think the damage was worse because of you?”

I didn’t answer—just sat in silence, deep in thought.

Yu Hyena, worried, asked in a soft voice.

I gave a small nod.

The emotions flowing from Yu Hyena grew complicated.

“...I want to say it wasn’t your fault.

The monsters are the ones in the wrong... they’re like natural disasters.

Sigh...

I know nothing I say will really comfort you, but...

My sister—she goes through stuff like that a lot, too.

You know my sister, right? She’s an S-Class hero.”

“I know.”

“Even a hero way stronger than you makes mistakes.

That’s just how it is.

Psychics aren’t gods.”

“...God.”

At that word, my brow furrowed on its own.

The church my parents went to,

The cross at the orphanage,

The lights in the lab,

The monsters,

The needles,

The pain of a monster core forming.

“There is no god.”

“Right.

In times like these, a lot of people think that too...

So, what I mean is—

My sister cries when she’s upset.

Fidgets when she’s sorry.

Smiles when she’s happy.

Gets hurt when people yell at her.

Up close, she’s no superhuman.

You know how even the sun goes down to rest at night?

She needs rest too. She has a family waiting for her...”

“Because Starlight is human.”

“Exactly!

And that means... you did your best too, Mr. Han Muryo.”

A careful hand touched my back, giving me a soft pat.

That sweetness—like jagged sugar art—was a new kind of emotion to me.

As I quietly looked at Yu Hyena, her face flushed bright red and she jumped up from her seat.

“Th-thank you for staying alive and safe! Eat well, and... get some rest...”

Bubbling with fizzy emotions, she hurried back to the food counter.

I watched her go in silence—

Then moved my hand again and continued eating.

Right then, Gu Seoryong dropped into the now-empty seat beside me and casually picked at her ear with a long, pointed fingernail.

“Is the bullshit over now?”