Triiffic-Soul: Can I Be In Control?-Chapter 185 – [Story Time] The Flower That Couldn’t Bloom

Chapter 185 – [Story Time] The Flower That Couldn’t Bloom

I… asked what was wrong with me too many times. Every time I did, either to myself or another, the answer never changed.

I was broken.

What else could explain the fact that I couldn’t use my attribute?

[...So you figured something had to be causing your attribute to be malfunctioning…] (Luna)

No. Broken… meant everything, that I was a failure, incompetent, an imbecile, everything. I had seen doctors, and they never found anything wrong with my attribute, so if I ever had the thought it was my attribute causing the problem, then I have long forgotten about it. I had enough trust in those professionals that if they said there was nothing wrong there, then there was nothing wrong there.

[No investigating yourself?] (Syrus)

Because that is what I do? Yes. I tried and failed, like everything else; I failed.

[You... shouldn’t say it like that...] (Luna)

I appreciate the sentiment. 𝐟𝐫𝕖𝗲𝘄𝚎𝗯𝕟𝐨𝕧𝐞𝚕.𝕔𝕠𝐦

[It’s just a sentiment; don’t say it like that.] (Syrus)

Harsh but kind words.

[Perhaps not harsh enough.] (Syrus)

...As I said, I will recount my memories of my time here.

[...Are you sure...?] (Luna)

Yes.... Otherwise, I am not sure I can face them.

...My first instance of feeling the... impacts of my attribute was likely in a class when I was eleven. I had already awakened it by then. Well, everyone in the class did, and we were going through the basics of using mana and how it applied to our attributes. Every kid tried. Some failed, then succeeded, but then I failed again, and then again, and then when I tried for the fifth time, I failed again and again and again. It was a cycle of failure that got me some stares.

I must be having a bad day.

It was something I thought a lot about at the start. There was just an issue with the day, not me.

At first, people thought I was just a slow learner. But I made sure I wouldn’t fall behind in other areas, so I made sure to do my best constantly and study. It helped me that I found a lot of the classes fun.

[Only you.] (Syrus)

Please, plenty of kids did the moment they found a topic intriguing.

But well... The hope was that my skills in Manipulation would improve as I aged and moved into classes with a Manipulation teacher. Manipulation was still a vital part of many fields, and so there was the expectation that I would go down one of those paths. For the exploration and development of the field, or even to simply be another cog to help keep the machine running while making good money in the process.

[Lilly, did you go down the path of potion making because it was something that a Manipulation user should be able to perform?] (Luna)

I... can’t say there is no truth to that.

...I reviewed and learned the theoretical process of every common style of crafting that involved Manipulation sustainably to achieve the best results. Out of all the options, potion making was the one I picked. Even now... I’m not exactly sure why I chose... but I do love brewing potions.

[Very true.] (Syrus)

[We have certainly felt that.] (Luna)

But maybe in my heart, I knew it was the easiest option for me to find loopholes. Many of the other crafts, even without Manipulation use, required mana control, but I couldn’t even manage the basic levels of control for my age. However, potion making, well, there were plenty of potions that didn’t require mana to be used. There was also plenty that could be substituted with other potions, as the potion only required mana, but any potion that required mixing or extracting the ingredients together in certain ways and orders required manipulating them in complex ways.

You’ve seen me make potions that require me to manipulate the ingredients that are already within a pot or have mana rhythm against certain elements at different frequencies simultaneously. That and more is the core of true potion making, and what I did before to sell scraps was an imitation at best.

Even the people who made potions without Manipulation still used their mana. The fact that has always been true is that it's just easier with the Attribute. Then, for the more complex potions, then does the Attribute becomes a requirement.

[Did you receive any criticism?] (Luna)

From some people. You’re wasting your gifts, your time, your life. Why couldn’t someone else have been born with that Attribute? Then there were the buyers who complained about my prices being too high for what I was selling. That happened quite a bit. Once I lowered the prices, but then I wasn’t able to afford enough food for the month.

[Let me guess, your potions were already below the average price anyway.] (Syrus)

Sometimes... if I managed to make a batch without damaging too many ingredients. I always needed to find new buyers; I knew I couldn’t rely on the usual customers forever.

[Lilly...] (Luna)

But back on topic, criticism wasn’t common. Pity was the usual response.

...School was fun... The first few years of study were a time I looked upon fondly, but over time, I had to spend more time studying. Each year, I couldn’t use my Attribute, and mana added more worry to my future. In the end, I was able to prove some doubts wrong and successfully entered the field of potion making, even though I was never successful in that field.

[...Lilly, what were your parents like?] (Luna)

Passive... they loved me, I was an only child.

[Doesn’t really describe them...] (Syrus)

Passive... It is the best word I can use. They provided love, and both worked at a sewing centre, which I guess was where they met. However, neither of us was like... well, Jen and George... It was kind of shocking being raised by them. They were very active in all points of our lives, but still provided space when needed. Mum and Dad were not the opposite. However, they weren’t similar. Home was always quiet. Which was nice and peaceful. A good change from how loud the city could be.

I got letters from them frequently when I lived on my own, but they hardly visited. I was on the opposite side of the city, so it was a painful walk. I wouldn’t consider any of us especially active individuals.

[Did you ever think about getting a job that didn’t require your Attribute?] (Syrus)

It was heavily recommended.

[So why didn’t you?] (Syrus)

...

I didn’t want to be seen as a failure.

[That already happened.] (Syrus)

Yes... I didn’t want to see myself as a failure. I did not try to prove people wrong, but just be successful. To enjoy life and have a good living, to have fun with my work, and to make myself and my family proud.

[But that attitude led you to your death.] (Syrus)

[Syrus...] (Luna)

She is right, Luna. My death was built on a foundation of my own creation.

...There were times in this new life where I tried to blame others. My mind was so exhausted from blaming itself that it wanted to try. Wasn’t successful. Anyone else I tried to picture as the cause of my misery was replaced with me.

If my parents were more proactive. If I reached out to them.

If people didn’t try to rip me off. If I stopped doing business with those customers.

If I went down a different path. If my ego didn’t push me into a role I wasn’t suitable for.

So many ways, but in the end, the only one I can blame for my suffering was myself.

[That isn’t true. Your condition… was not something of your own fault.] (Luna)

Is it not? It is my failure, a trait of mine that caused me suffering.

[Nah, no matter the person. No one deserves suffering, or should be truly the only one to blame for their suffering.] (Syrus)

…

[I know what you said before, but what if your parents were more proactive? What if someone from the school tried to push off the path faster or instead helped you in a position where you could properly make ends meet, and even if you went down this path that caused you pain, in the end, I know it was something you enjoyed. So, don’t forget the fun just because it was dyed in some ugly paint.] (Syrus)

Always a wonder with words, Syrus.

[Thanks.] (Syrus)

In truth, yes, I don’t blame myself much anymore. Of course, there will be a voice; it has long made its home, but I’ve changed and become Eva. As you said, Lilly died, but I won’t forget her because she was an important part of me.

[As long as you aren’t pushing yourself down too much.] (Syrus)

I try not to.

[...If you had the option, would you have preferred to have lived your old life than to start again?] (Luna)

What a tricky question, but the answer is likely no. Saying yes would mean giving up what I have now, the memories I’ve gained, and the experiences I’ve had with you two and our parents. To give up all that, I wouldn’t be able to. If we were talking about a hypothetical where I had no idea what was to come, and I was given the choice near the end of my original life… then that would be much more difficult. I think I would say no, because no amount of a better life would be enough to lose a current life, but I wonder how far I could be pushed to think the other way.

[Sorry… I didn’t mean for it to be… such… a question…] (Luna)

[Haha, I think you managed to shake Luna. Good job.] (Syrus)

I think I will leave that to you, Syrus.

[!] (Luna)

Luna, why suddenly so fearful?

[I… I just got a bad feeling for my sanity.] (Luna)

I can give you some tips if you need; I’ve learned a couple to help keep a positive mind.