The Celestial Phoenix Has Too Much Lust-Chapter 49: Bing Xuan Shall Not Die a Villain

Away from Morse’s troubles, there was something different.

Darkness. An absolute, crushing darkness had been smothering Bing Xuan’s consciousness for a long time. If darkness were the only thing, it would have been simpler for Bing’s heart—but it was the regret.

He was sick of it, sick of the regret, because of the regret itself.

The nightmares that forced him into endless cycles of remorse and rage were many; the self-loathing for what his own hands had wrought. All these things made him realize one thing: Life is one grand, massive regret.

Bing Xuan thought—or rather, he had just enough consciousness left to think amidst this featureless void. And he remembered more, for here, he could do nothing but remember.

He recalled that he, Bing Xuan, always wanted to be special. In any way, by any means—the method didn’t matter. Why? Simply because he didn’t want to be like anyone else.

It was a clever trick to deceive oneself, but not just that. One must say it was more like an inferiority complex, or perhaps a chronic disease. A curse. It didn’t matter, for he was obsessed; always being compared to Morse, his elder brother.

He had dreamed of many things since sinking into this coma. But he didn’t know why it hurt more whenever he witnessed that memory: the day he entered the Shi Lan Temple for the first time, as a small boy filled with every kind of negative emotion.

Bing Xuan always had a problem managing his rage.

When he felt defeat, he couldn’t control his anger. After losing a challenge once to his brother over the maid, Chu Chu—and losing, as expected of the younger brother to lose—he went and killed his own little personal maid just to vent his fury.

After stabbing her, he looked into her eyes, into the blood, and discovered truly how much of a "bad seed" he was to the core from the very start, watching her draw her final breath.

Even though it was covered up, he became more terrified of the gaze of those around him. The guilt he felt wasn’t enough, for what followed was a much bigger problem.

The problem was that the little maid’s elder brother, a mere mortal human, was frail and weak—yet he possessed the courage to seek vengeance for his sister. He was on the verge of killing him, about to slit his throat and drain his blood.

But he was saved at the very last moment. He saw that look then, when his guards arrived: the look of deep hatred in those eyes, and the terror that gripped him.

He was saved by those who arrived just in time, and he lived with that trauma. To try and move past it, Bing decided to try and suppress his rage and hatred. To curb the loathing he felt for everyone around him, he begged his father to help him, to send him to a temple far, far away.

He went to that sanctuary, the Shi Lan Temple, to find the peace he sought, to reshape his soul and discover who he truly was, away from the comparisons with his brother.

When he entered, that high spiritual aura... he was alone, and it was as if everything around him was also alone with the heavens and the earth. He found a bald monk meditating in silence, a golden aura radiating from him.

The Elder spoke calmly, his back turned, without looking at him. Bing Xuan was startled for a moment, for the Wheel of Life, composed of Yin and Yang rotating in a circle, appeared behind the monk’s back.

"Shi Lan is the finding of the self. You are always exposed to the truth when you become an ascetic, shedding worldly life and worldly thoughts."

Bing Xuan’s face was toward the ground, trembling with the question burning in his mind. He clenched his fingers, swallowing hard.

"Have you... truly found yourself in meditation? In distancing yourself from worldly thoughts?"

The monk emerged from his spiritual trance and approached the boy, Bing Xuan. He gripped his small palm firmly.

"Little one, you aren’t asking about me. You are asking about yourself. Will you obtain inner peace? Will you find your soul? If I am right, nod your head."

Little Bing Xuan could do nothing but nod without speaking. He couldn’t say another word.

"By blood, a black aura emanates from it. This hand of yours is stained, little one."

Suddenly, he tapped Bing Xuan’s heart with his finger, a swift and strange gesture that made him gasp, clutching the spot where he was pressed.

"Your heart is full of hate, child. What you seek is beyond your reach. You will never obtain the rest you imagine if you let go of the hate in your heart."

Since that moment, Bing wondered why that bald man said those things. Why did he make him sink deeper and deeper into the darkness? Why didn’t he sell him an illusion like any corrupt man of religion? Why didn’t he tell him he could change, even if it were impossible? Every human has a chance to change.

At that time, because of those words, Bing Xuan didn’t know what to say. He was a boy of thirteen. He wanted to let go of the hate in his heart to find peace. He was on the verge of tears. He had been taught to hate since he was small; since childhood, he learned to hate his elder brother from his mother.

So instead, he grew to hate everyone. She was vile, pouring poison into his ears with words that people didn’t truly appreciate him. She told him so much, she always said:

"Oh, Bing... your elder brother hates you because your mother is a commoner, while his mother is from a noble family and is the Main Wife. You are destined to always live in his shadow because of your blood—blood you are not to blame for."

What was the problem with him then? Why was he hated for something he had no hand in? His blood... was it truly filthy?

Because of this, he continued to live as he felt he should. He didn’t care for laws or customs. He had no pity—or better yet, no mercy at all. He didn’t deceive himself into thinking he was doing the right thing, nor did he want to. As long as it satisfied his heart, it was "right."

But because of the logic formed in his youth, he reached this state. He gained a Heart Demon that made his cultivation a literal hell and prevented him from progressing—because it was no longer possible for anyone to forgive him.

He realized he was loathed, and no one would forgive him for his actions. Hell was his natural place. He knew his brother Morse had already seized power because he was more competent. He was just an incompetent man; who cared.

But now, ridiculously, he wanted to live for just one person. It was strange. He was a villain without mercy or heart—where did he get the right to this feeling?

Yet he was certain of his feeling when looking at her in his dreams. Yes, it was her. That fairy he fell in love with while in a coma before she even woke up: Shen Li Xuan.

Her majestic image saving him was stuck in his mind. She was always dazzling, clear, and peerless; as if he were a virgin falling in love for the first time. He wanted to tear down the walls of his consciousness to go to her. To her alone. Heh. He understood now that he wanted nothing else but her.

Only her.

In the Medical Wing, in the Patriarch’s Palace, in the deep night.

Bing Xuan opened his eyes with difficulty, smelling a distinctive scent. His eyes looked around; the smoke, the smells, and the layout of the place were very familiar. He realized he was in the Medical Wing of the Patriarch’s Palace.

He looked beside him and found her head resting on the edge of his bed. His mother was sleeping beside him. It was clear that her face was devoid of makeup..the wrinkles had increased. Her hair, which was always styled, was now dull and messy. Her breath was ragged and heavy; she was sick.

Beside the bed, on a small table, was a censer, and next to it a scroll containing a beautiful flower. He was lucky; he noticed there was only one flower left in the scroll.

He reached out his hand and, with his finger, took the flower and threw it into the censer. The scroll had the following written on it:

"Throw the flower with its stems entirely. Keep your calm, do not make a sound, and wish from your heart."

He closed his eyes, making a wish from the depths of his soul.

"Shen Li Xuan."

He began to enjoy the incense as he relaxed his body again. 𝘧𝑟𝑒𝑒𝘸𝘦𝘣𝑛𝑜𝘷𝑒𝓁.𝘤𝘰𝓂

"Be mine... mine alone."

Concubine Qian managed to open her eyes for a moment, only to see an extremely perverted smile on the face of Bing Xuan, whose cheeks were flushed red, as he chuckled.