Taming the Beast World with a Frying Pan-Chapter 212: Island Jerk Elk Bites

"AHHHHHHH!"

Ren shrieked, her voice echoing through the darkening forest.

She panicked immediately. She kicked. She thrashed. She performed a frantic, uncoordinated tap dance that would have made a professional riverdancer weep. The cold, scaly little feet of the chameleon lizard clung stubbornly to her bare calf, its weird, swiveling eyes looking at her with entirely too much intent.

"Get off! Get off me!" Ren yelled.

With a wild swing, she brought her hand down and slapped the lizard hard.

Smack!

The chameleon launched through the air like a colorful skipping stone and splashed directly into the center of the waterhole.

Ren’s legs gave out. She fell hard on her butt in the damp grass, her chest heaving as she sucked in deep, ragged breaths. She watched with wide, wild eyes as the little lizard struggled to stay afloat for a few seconds, its tiny claws splashing the water, before it finally submerged and swam away into the reeds.

"Unbelievable," Ren muttered, wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead. "Even the wildlife is in heat."

Deciding that the waterhole was compromised territory, Ren picked herself up and quickly retreated back to the safety of the clearing.

Her stomach let out a thunderous, embarrassing growl. She was starving. The adrenaline crash from the day’s chaotic events had completely drained her energy reserves. She needed to cook something, and she needed it now.

Ren pulled a modest cut of the fresh elk meat from her magical inventory. She didn’t have the time or patience to simmer a stew right now. She needed a simple, quick, and easy meal that was tasty and fulfilling.

She found her flat, round cooking stone and nestled it over the burning embers of the fire pit Syris had half-heartedly helped gather.

As the stone heated up, Ren’s chef persona activated. Whenever she was alone—or had an audience—she had a habit of narrating her cooking, a lingering reflex from her time hosting Gourmet in the Wild.

"Welcome back, viewers," Ren whispered to the empty clearing, dropping a dollop of beef tallow onto the hot stone. It immediately began to sizzle and pop. "Tonight, we are making a quick, rustic Beast World street food. I call it: Island Jerk Elk Bites."

She rapidly diced the elk into small, bite-sized cubes.

"Now, we want this to pack a punch," Ren narrated, her hands moving expertly. "In my younger years, I worked as a sous-chef on a Caribbean cruise line. I learned that when you’re exhausted, nothing wakes you up like a good, spicy kick to the palate."

She pulled up her System Shop interface.

[Current Balance: 44,850 XP]

"Let’s see," Ren muttered. "I need spices and a garnish."

Ground Allspice (1 jar): 5 XP

Dried Thyme (1 jar): 2 XP

Sea Salt (1 shaker): 5 XP

Black Pepper (1 shaker): 5 XP

Scotch Bonnet Pepper Powder (1 jar): 10 XP

Fresh Lime (1 unit): 2 XP

Mango (1 unit): 5 XP

[Total Cost: 34 XP] [New Balance: 44,816 XP]

The items materialized on a clean wooden board. Ren tossed the meat in the fiery spice blend and threw it onto the sizzling tallow.

Hssssssss!

The clearing filled with an incredibly aromatic, mouth-watering cloud of spicy, savory smoke. Ren coughed slightly at the capsaicin hitting the air, but her mouth was already watering. She tossed the meat with the edge of her knife, letting the elk cubes get a beautiful, dark, caramelized crust. Because it was game meat, she cooked it fast and hot to keep it tender.

"For serving," Ren continued her narration, plucking several large, clean leaves, "we are going carb-free. We use these sturdy leaves as our wraps."

She scooped the sizzling, spicy elk cubes onto the green leaves. Then, she opened the System Shop again, buying a fresh lime and a small mango. She quickly diced the mango, tossing it over the spicy meat for a sweet, cooling contrast, and squeezed fresh lime juice over the top.

"Beautiful," Ren sighed.

She sat down right there in the grass and popped one of the spicy elk cube bites in her mouth.

Her eyes rolled to the back of her head. The fiery heat of the scotch bonnet hit her tongue immediately, followed by the rich, savory, melt-in-your-mouth tenderness of the elk, and finished with the bright, sweet burst of the mango and lime.

Ren ate her fill, savoring every incredible bite. As she chewed, she pulled up the System Shop interface again, looking at her receipts.

’I love how cheap these ingredients are,’ Ren thought happily. ’A whole mango for a fraction of an XP point. Limes for practically nothing. I can get so many things at such a low cost.’

It was the economy she remembered from when she was a child, long before the dark, cruel days of inflation hit the world. Say what you will about the Beast World—the lack of plumbing, the giant feral monsters, the aggressive, polyamorous beastmen—but the food was cheap. She definitely wouldn’t starve here.

While eating, Ren started thinking ahead. A chef is always prepping. She wrapped the rest of the spicy elk bites tightly in two separate large leaves, ensuring the juices wouldn’t leak, and put them into her inventory. Time was frozen in there; they would be piping hot whenever she wanted them.

Feeling energized and full, Ren marched back to the waterhole. She kept a very weary, paranoid eye out for the chameleon lizard as she scrubbed her knife and the cooking stone clean, packing everything away.

With her chores done, Ren walked over and stood at the base of the massive tree trunk that housed Vex’s treehouse.

She craned her neck, looking all the way up. The wooden balcony was a dizzying height above her.

A cold shiver of doubt and fear crawled up her spine.

’Maybe this is not a good idea,’ Ren thought, staring at the sheer vertical drop. ’Well, actually, it is definitely not a good idea. It is a terrible, suicidal idea.’

She looked around behind her, scanning the darkening canopy of the forest, hoping to somehow spot Altair. But he was a Golden Eagle. He could be perched on a mountain peak miles away and still see her clearly with his ridiculous avian vision.

Ren turned back around, looking up at the tree once more.

"But what if he’s too far away so he couldn’t get to me in time?" Ren asked herself aloud, her voice trembling slightly. If she jumped and he was taking a nap, she would become a permanent, fleshy stain on the forest floor.

’System,’ Ren called out in her thoughts. ’Do you have any ideas?’

She figured it was worth an ask. The System gave her the Moon Goddess lie to use on Kael and Syris earlier, which had worked brilliantly (on Kael, at least). Maybe the snarky voice in her head was actually capable of giving good advice sometimes.

[System: I always have good ideas, Host.]

[System: You should strip naked and do a bird mating dance. It will be sure to attract the Golden Eagle Prince.]

Ren’s jaw dropped.

’Excuse me?!’ Ren yelled. ’I am not going to do a clown act for you! What does a bird mating dance even look like? Do I flap my arms and squawk? Do I strut around pecking at the dirt?’ 𝑓𝘳𝘦𝑒𝑤𝑒𝘣𝘯ℴ𝘷𝘦𝓁.𝑐𝑜𝑚

[System: It is all in the hips, Host. Lots of tail-feather shaking.]

’No! Absolutely not!’ Ren argued. ’Plus, what would I even do if it works? What if he gets aroused by the dance and flies down wanting to have sex with me?’

[System: Then you just have sex with him. It is a win-win. You already want to.]

’I do not!’ Ren denied vehemently, her face flushing crimson.

But as the words echoed in her mind, she could feel a sharp pinch of guilt nipping at her heart. She was lying to herself. Altair was gorgeous, protective, and sweet. The thought of him wasn’t exactly repulsive.

Ren shook her head violently to clear those thoughts. She couldn’t think of any other ideas to force Altair to come down to her. She knew firsthand how stubborn he was too.

She looked at the tree. She looked at the clearing.

She had only two options. She could either dance around naked in the dirt and humiliate herself, or intentionally fall from the terrifying heights of the tree in hopes that he would swoop in and catch her like a romance novel hero.

What should she decide?