Knot me on ice, Captain(BL)-Chapter 39: I am sorry, Kayden

Rhys

I ran a hand through my hair and inhaled deeply. This was hard; I already knew that, but I was not going to give up now that I had him in front of me. I was going to let everything I was feeling out tonight.

"It might be nothing to you, Kayden, but it’s a change for me because I am apologizing genuinely for the first time."

"That night, there were words I said that I was not proud of, but..." I stuttered and looked down at my shaky hands.

Except for Miller, no one truly knows this side of me well, except for Coach Reddick, who had seen the way my father always treated me after a game.

"I was born into generations of hockey players, as I have said before, and there was no such thing as a bad game. You either won, or you were a disgrace. If I didn’t score, I didn’t get to eat dinner—not because we were struggling, since my family is wealthy, but because my father thought I would become fat and wouldn’t be able to play hockey. Worst, he would make me train for weeks until my bones ached."

I paused for a moment, staring at my hands that were still shaking; even my heart was racing pretty fast, knowing I was telling my darkest secret to Kayden.

A few weeks back, I would have never imagined bringing him to the pier and telling him about my messed-up family.

"I have spent my whole life being what my father told me to be," I whispered, my voice trembling with emotions I couldn’t suppress anymore.

"I have been a statue and a machine. My mother died early, so she wasn’t always there to support me, and my grandfather was just as bad as my father. As an only child, it was hard for me because I had to be the best, and when my father remarried, I thought my life would turn around, but it didn’t. And while my younger brother was treated like the golden child because he enjoys hockey better than I did as a child, he didn’t get to live the life I did, and I hate him and his mother for having what my mother and I should have."

I paused for a few seconds, staring at the dark waters because I couldn’t look into Kayden’s eyes—not after spilling out my secrets to him.

Everyone except from Miller always sees me differently, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Kayden also did the same. After all, I was a big jerk towards him.

"So that night," I continued, shifting on the wood. "My father had called me and reminded me of who I was, and because of that... when I saw you laughing on the phone and being happy, I couldn’t stop myself as I lashed out at you, and I regret every moment of that," I whispered and ran a hand through my hair yet again. 𝚏𝐫𝚎𝗲𝕨𝐞𝐛𝕟𝚘𝐯𝚎𝗹.𝕔𝐨𝗺

"My story might sound boring to you, but the only reason why I told you is that I want you to see the other side of me. I want you to see not just the jerk side of me. I want to show you more of who I am off-the-ice persona, and it’s why I brought you here—to know more about me."

Kayden shifted, and when I thought he was going to say something, he didn’t.

I took a deep breath and then moved closer to him, the wood of the pier groaning under the shift. "I am an arrogant, broken jerk," I muttered, placing a hand on his. "I know those words hurt you, but please, don’t look at me like I am a stranger. I can handle my father’s torturous words, I can handle the fans’ booing, but Kayden... I can’t handle you being the one I can’t reach. You are an amazing person and I want you to be back to the annoying Kayden I know."

I placed a hand on his shoulder, turning him around to face me until I could see his beautiful eyes, his beautiful obsidian eyes. "I am so sorry," I muttered, and then pulled him into my chest.

Kayden’s breath hitched at our contact, and when I had thought he was going to push me away, he didn’t. Instead, he leaned in and I felt his arms around me.

"Rhys," he breathed. "Your childhood," he started and pulled away gently, looking into my eyes. "Your father and grandfather treated you badly, and it’s a heavy weight for you to carry, Rhys. It is. My heart breaks for the little kid who had to endure all of that until now." He placed a hand behind my ear and caressed it gently.

"I want you to know that you are always allowed to be angry, to lash out at those who hurt you—not at the innocent ones who know nothing. But it doesn’t give you a pass," he said, lowering his hand to my shoulder. "Having a rough past doesn’t mean you should treat others like garbage. It doesn’t mean you get to use me or anyone else as a punching bag for your own shortcomings. I am a person, Rhys, not your enemy. And that night..." He shifted again, staring down at the lake.

"It also reminded me of my past and what I had to deal with, how I had to prove everyone right—that I could be..." He stopped talking and looked back at me. "Your words really hurt me and replayed in my head over and over again. It wouldn’t have hurt so much if they didn’t come from you, Rhys."

I grabbed his hand and placed it on my thigh. "I know," I whispered. "You are right. I was a coward and shouldn’t have reacted in that manner towards you, and I know no amount of apology would change that, but I want you to see me differently—not like a monster, Kayden."