I Started To Gain Sentience In An Eroge-Chapter 76: [Kurokawa] Breaking point

*Saaaa*

After entering the restroom, I quickly turned on the faucet. Soon after, a transparent liquid ran out and quickly made a small pool within the palm of my hands.

Water was such a weird thing, I thought. It could be gaseous, solid, or liquid, depending on the environment it would find itself in. Life could not have formed without its help, and people would not have existed if water was never created in the first place. Even this entire world could not have been born without water. Yet, magical as it was, water also had the power to bring total devastation. With just the right amount and method, water could become a destructive weapon or a tool that could cut diamonds. It had almost limitless potential, all thanks to its nature of...being free.

...What am I doing envying something like water?

Nevertheless, I was in this restroom a few minutes earlier to help C find the two girls. In all honesty, when C barged in to search for the missing girls, naked Rachel and naked Laura never once crossed over my head. Of course, our faceless guy would not have let them go that easily without doing something big, so I had to credit that blond haired-girl and the class rep. Even so, Rachel being able to deliver something like that was understandable. She was more than ready to shower C with love and affection beyond his receiving capabilities. It was actually Laura that made me surprised the most.

Class rep's face was redder than a tomato, and steam came out from her forehead like a boiling kettle while stuttering: "H-ho-how do y-you do?" Her naked body was stunning, beautiful, and full of life. It was clear as the sky itself she hardly had any experience in doing something close to being an exhibitionist like that.

Rachel was not far off. Still, she fared much better than our respectable class rep. With barely anything to cover herself, she asked C: "So? How do we look?" The soap could hardly hide her private parts, creating an alluring scene thanks to that.

C's thoughts did not go too far from all of our expectations.

"Why are you two doing this?! Wait! No! I'm sorry for walking in!" C screamed and stormed out, leaving behind a trace of his words of compliment.

[Holy moly! They are magnificent!! Wait! Don't stand up, boy! I can't run like this!!!]

It was close to all of the lucky pervert moment scenes I read. But then again, behind the astounding birthday suits was the true intention of Rachel and Laura: the corpse of the school bully. After making sure C was gone, the two exchanged a giggle and went back inside, seemingly trying to clean themselves before heading back to class.

The whole time they were there, I stood still in my place, not moving an inch or saying a word. When I saw C's almost unhinged jaws, my brain instantly wondered what he would say if our positions were switched, if the people standing at the door were Rachel and Laura. Would I have been able to give him an embarrassed face while smiling and giggling like a girl madly in love? Would he have said my body was also magnificent, nor would he feel bad because of my scars?

Knowing C, he probably would have done the latter thing.

Thankfully, I did not have to hear him say that.

I kept saying this, but I wished I could be like them. I really wished...to be able to feel confident about my body.

Sadly, that wish would never be fulfilled even in a million years. It was...my fate.

"Something for me to live with for the rest of my life."

As the cooling sensation ran through my fingers, dripping into the sink below me, I splashed them all over my face, trying to cool down and clean all the tears. Right now, washing my face was the only way I could think of to clear up my mind. Back home, I would do more drastic things to keep my mind from venturing too far.

One would never understand how in control they were until they inflicted wounds onto their body, especially living in a world where nothing was within their grasp. Personally, the pain was not something so taboo people should be afraid of, but both a remedy and a punishment that anyone could utilize to remain sane. Using it the right way and people might just be able to feel alive when everything had gone south. I could not say that I represent everyone living in agony, trying to survive another day in nothing except for numbness, but at least I had my anecdotal.

Although, if someone asked did I think of myself as a masochist like in C's thoughts? The answer would be a reluctant no. At the very least, not for now. In all of the times, I slit my arm and asphyxiated my neck, I never felt any pleasure from doing those things, which was the thing masochists would experience. Instead, self-inflicted pain was something akin to an anchor for me to understand I was still human, a way for Kurokawa to express her desire.

Still, if I were to complete the event, the pain would probably benefit me in an unprecedented way. After all, I did not believe I could murder Mother without any repercussion, no matter its origin. The bookworm in the past possibly could not have lived knowing she killed the one who gave birth and cared for her entire life. Hence, she decided she would die under her own circumstances.

In that case, did she really love Han? Most likely not. Rather than love, it should have been a coping mechanism to keep on living until the day she decided to kill herself. It would explain the self-degradation and the willingness to share Han with everybody else.

Not that it mattered anymore, though. The fact that my life was predetermined by someone else terrified me deeply. Yet, there was no way for me to do anything. Whether I killed Mother or not made no difference since I would still stay a slave in this world, forever bound under its rules and stories.

I was never given a choice in the first place, just like the characters in my books. Similar to their lives, who were given magic and items to combat the evils of their world as fake choices created by the authors, everything given to me until now was also mere illusions created by the forces of this eroge world, waiting for a day to make the final performance. After so much time and effort building up my character, when that time came, at long last, readers would finally be able to enjoy my suffering to the fullest extent.

It was funny how a bookworm who used to read other graphic novels had become the captured target of another one, another game.

It was so funny that I was crying profusely.

"I...hic...can't be in here for too long. C may get suspicious. Plus, I don't want him to go inside this place again. Those two clearly did not finish up with that piece of garbage." Splashing my face with another pool of water, I slapped both cheeks lightly.

In that room, there existed two girls who had different but also tragic backstories from mine. Regardless, I was envious of the class rep and that blond-haired girl. If I could, I would have written my story differently. Thanks to C, they have achieved their freedom. No longer did Rachel have to care about her love is unrequited, and no longer did Laura have to worry about one disgusting bully aiming for her life.

As for me, I did not have the luxury of denying what this world created to mess up my mind. Even though I could not say anything about Rachel and Laura's pain, it was clear that only I had suffered physical deformities due to the plot. Unfortunately, there was no option but to calm down and think about what would happen next.

Blaming C was useless. He was innocent. Never did C cause me any harm. His abilities were not something he could control. Worse yet, we even established some conditions to make him oblivious to his power. I would never be able to blame someone like that.

It was a shame that this bathroom break was only a quick pause. Soon, I would still need to return to our classroom where C was still present and possibly be shown some other disturbing memories. After that, my event would start.

Running water had always been pleasant to my ears, which helped soothe my thumping heart. If it did not, I would not have run away to a place where a corpse was present. After a few more deep breaths in order to calm myself, I accidentally looked up at the mirror above me—and stopped dead still. Because of the splashing, my forehead was widely in view, and the hideous scar was ever so apparent. It was just as red as before as if someone had taken a knife to my head and carved out this ugly thing that would hang there for eternity.

"How would anyone be able to love this thing? How would anyone be able to love you?" I whispered under my breath while looking into the reflection with disgust, acting like I was talking to someone else. The only thing that replied to my words was the water, nothing else.

Even without C present, I could still see and understand the emotions filling my teary green eyes. It was none other than despair. Like the twitching red mess on my forehead, it was impossible to hide my feelings. So much so that even Laura or Rachel could see the misery going through my body. That was never my strong point, anyway. If it was, Mother would not have gone so far as to punish me during one of her rages, and I would not have destroyed or hidden all the mirrors in my house.

"I despise your very being! Your existence is a waste of resources! Do you think you are better than that dead-cold piece of crap!?"

Heavy words escaped my windpipe, overwhelmed by the sounds of water.

"If only you were never born! If only you were never written into this world! Then I would not have had to suffer this much! All! Because of you!!"

*Slam* *Klang-klang-klang*

Unable to control the bursting volcano inside my chest, a fist was drawn toward the mirror, which immediately broke the lower portion of it.

*Drip* *Drip*

Blood came out from my hand. A cold, tearing pain eloped my hand thereon.

But it did not matter one bit.

"It's not fair. It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!" Screams erupted from my chest. "Why did it have to be me!? Why couldn't I be normal? Why did I have to suffer day in and day out like this? It's...it's just not fair..."

Tears kept running down my cheeks. Ever since I exited the classroom, not once did I manage to stop it. "It's not fair."

"I don't want to go back..." Heavy words escaped my windpipe, overwhelmed by the sounds of water.

"I-if...my destiny...hic...were to become a plaything, please...at least...hic...let me be with C." Crying uncontrollably, I pleaded to an unknown creator in my heart. "Th-then...at the end of it all, I would die...happy..."

[The corridor was empty, so she should still be inside. Let's wait for Kurokawa. If I ask her to skip a few classes for a talk, she will not decline, right!? After all, Kurokawa is also acting odd like the other two.]

...C