Earning the Love of a Princess-Chapter 233: Admiration is Not Love

William slowly set the letter back down on his desk, unsure of what he was feeling or even what he was supposed to feel. A surge of different emotions ran through him, like a wave crashing up against cliffs and leaving behind endless ripples.

Amusement, surprise, pity, frustration. And a strange, restless sadness that ached in his chest.

What was it about Malcolm’s words that cut him so deep?

Of course, he’d now trapped himself. He’d never be able to talk to Camilla about it all without revealing he’d read Malcolm’s letter without her permission. Not that he needed permission to read anything to do with his wife. But William knew his conscience would never let him just disregard her feelings. If she wanted her correspondence with her brother to remain private, she had a right to request that.

And he’d just gone and disregarded it. Damn.

A dozen unanswered questions bubbled in his mind that afternoon and all through dinner. King Edward himself noticed his distraction, being forced to ask William the same question three times and finally snapping at him, before getting an embarrassed reply.

Feeling the eyes of everyone at the high table staring at him, William sat up straight in his chair and forced himself to focus.

"What do you think your life would’ve looked like if your father had won the crown from Kenneth?" he blurted out later that night as they lay in bed, Camilla cozily wrapped in his arms.

Her eyes widened in surprise. "A rather unexpected question, husband."

"Perhaps so. But I’m serious."

"Do you mean if my father had inherited it after my uncle’s death? Or do you mean if he’d succeeded toppling him before that?"

"The latter. If his uprising had been successful."

Camilla gave him a little smile. "Well for one thing, you wouldn’t have been around to see it. I’m fairly sure Father would’ve insisted on getting his hands on every single Islian that crossed the border to help my uncle."

William rolled his eyes. "Alright then. Let’s assume your father had triumphed that day and I’d managed to get my neck across the border and back into safety before he caught me. What then?"

"What then? Well, he would’ve arranged his coronation. Why? What were you expecting?" 𝚏𝕣𝐞𝗲𝐰𝕖𝐛𝐧𝕠𝕧𝚎𝚕.𝐜𝚘𝗺

"Yes, but after that." William said. "How do you think your life would’ve changed?"

"My life? Hmm." Camilla looked thoughtful. "I think I would’ve been married off right away."

"Really? Why?" William’s hands clenched at the thought of her with a different man as her husband, which even he thought was a ridiculous reaction over something that would never come to be.

"Think about it. The reason my father’s rebellion nearly succeeded and even started was because half the country backed him. Which means..."

"...that half the country opposed him." William finished.

Camilla grinned. "Just imagine if I’d been born a man. And Islian, of course. I could’ve been your second in command in the army. What a force our two combined minds could’ve been on the battlefront!"

He cupped her leg behind her knee, drawing her even closer to him. "You couldn’t have warmed my bed as my second in command. So no, I wouldn’t have liked that arrangement at all."

"Honestly, William?" Camilla huffed a little sigh. "You value my ability to warm your bed over my ability to think and strategise?"

"Of course not! I value both equally." he said with a short laugh. "But there’s no way in hell I’d ever risk taking you onto the battlefield, little princess." He shuddered slightly as Camilla pressed up against him, refusing to let himself be distracted.

"Who would you have been married off to?" William finally asked.

"To the heir of the man Father considered to be his greatest threat." There was no hesitation in her words.

"And who was that?"

Camilla propped her head into her hand. "I’m actually not sure. There would’ve been a number of contenders for the title, I can tell you that. But as to who Father would have deemed to be the greatest threat in that moment, I don’t know. Some bloodthirsty noble."

"Duke Robert doesn’t seem the type to be content marrying his precious daughter off to some brute, just for the sake of brokering peace."

"He wouldn’t have been. He would’ve grieved and begged my pardon for it. Still, he would’ve done it." Camilla sighed.

"You truly think so?"

"Oh yes. It would’ve made him deeply unhappy, and me also. But if it had been the first step in building peace and some sort of unity within Moraigth, many people would argue the price would be worth it."

William scoffed. "Many people? It’s easy to say the price is worth it when you’re not the one being forced to pay it!"

"And that’s what it means to be king, a good one anyway. It means you pay the price on behalf of your people. Even when it pains you personally. If he’d let the chance to build peace slip through his fingers just because he wanted to let me marry for love, he’d have been a poor king. A good father, but a poor king."

"You think the two roles are impossible to reconcile?" William asked.

"Almost impossible, yes." Camilla traced small circles on his bare chest. "Look at your uncle. He pushed Tom to marry Eleanor De Buer simply because of her enormous wealth. Great for Islia, less so for his son. I’m sure he did the same thing to his other children when searching for spouses. If he’d been thinking as a fond father and not as a monarch, he probably would’ve made different choices."

"Dammit, wife. What makes you so fucking wise?" William groaned, then gave her a short, hot kiss.

"I’m not necessarily wise, this is just something I’ve given quite a bit of thought." she confessed.

"Is it?"

"Yes. During my first weeks in Islia, when I wished myself anywhere else but here. I used to try and imagine how different, how much better my life would be as daughter of the victor and not the defeated." She elbowed his side lightly. "I think anything would’ve been more pleasant than having to sit through day after day and watch a certain handsome devil parade practically every pretty girl in court in front of me."

William laughed out loud at that as he pulled Camilla on top of him, pushing her loose hair back from her face. "And what did you conclude?"

"I concluded that Father would’ve been forced to change the person he was, to be the ruler Moraigth needed him to be. And if he’d been successful, I would’ve admired him as my king yet loved him less as my father. I think that would’ve broken my heart. My brothers would’ve felt the same, though it might’ve been harder for them to admit."

"So after all that, would you have wanted your father’s uprising to have succeeded or to have failed?" William crinkled his brow.

"Neither. I wanted it to have never happened in the first place. I wanted him to have been content with what he had, instead of trying to greedily seize things that weren’t his to take. And who knows?" Camilla flicked a hand. "If he’d just waited, my uncle might’ve still died in a few years and passed on the throne regardless."

More of everything, even when our family already had plenty.

Malcolm’s scribbled words were etched in William’s mind.

"I’ve asked myself a few times what would’ve happened if I’d entered that chamber in Arlen Castle even an hour earlier and had found your father still alive." he mused. "What would I have done?"

"There was no choice but to kill him, was there?"

"No, there wasn’t. Either kill the duke, or be killed by him. I wouldn’t have derived any joy from it, though. I’d like to think that if your father had remembered me, he wouldn’t have derived joy from felling me either."

"He wouldn’t have." she agreed, her stare far away. "Just as well the two of you weren’t forced to cross paths that day."

William gulped, unable to hold his tongue any longer. "I read through the last letter from your brother earlier today."

"I thought as much."

"Well, you left it on my desk and it got shuffled in amongst some of my papers..." William stopped rattling off a defence when he saw his wife’s face wasn’t the least bit upset.

"Read all the letters if you want. Mal and I dont keep anything from you."

"I know...I should’ve still asked you beforehand. I’ve spent hours feeling guilty about it."

"And that’s where all these questions stem from?" Camilla’s full lips twitched in what he could almost swear was a suppressed smile.

"Yes."

"If that whole disaster with my father hadn’t happened, would you and I have found happiness together? Would Malcolm be living in peace with his wife and child? Probably not." she asked.

"Many people had to die for us to find our happiness, though."

"They did." Camilla nodded pensively. "Not everyone gets the contentment they deserve. But we did. That’s why Mal said we’re the luckiest ones of all."