(BL) Mafia Love; He who falls the hardest loses-Chapter 170: Sadness and Guilt

There was a reason why Ren trained him to be coldhearted and bloodthirsty. It came down to overcoming his softheartedness. The one that made him accept the bullying was because his Aunt was nice to him.

He might have grown bloodthirsty, left people on the brink of death in the ring but it felt like his true self had no intention of disappearing. Even though that part of himself stayed hidden for so many years, it returned even worse during these past few weeks.

His palm covering his face became wet as the sound of his sobs filled the empty house.

These were moments he hated himself most. He didn’t want to be like this. He wanted to be coldhearted enough to take revenge. Enough to be betrayed and seek revenge. Enough to cut off a lover without hesitation. Enough to have no guilt, or at least enough to keep his guilt irrelevant, to silence that voice.

Perhaps he never got coldhearted. Perhaps he was no different from that youth accepting the beatings and bullying of his cousins and their friends.

The sun rose with him still in that position as he stared blankly at the wall opposite him. He still felt no desire to rise up. He felt no need to go to work.

This sort of self-reflection was cruel to himself but as much as he wanted to be strong against it, he could not help but believe every unkind word that came to his mind.

He didn’t take note of how long the room had been brightened by the sun when the doorbell rang. He felt no need to respond but the door was opened and Kiyoshi stepped in cautiously holding a take-out bag.

He rubbed his face and rose up. Pain shot through all his joints but he didn’t wince as he walked down the hallway ignoring Kiyoshi. He went upstairs to his room. He locked the door behind him and went to the bathroom.

He filled the bathtub with water while he brushed. He undressed placing the gun on the counter. He didn’t know how long he spent in the bathtub but the water had lost all its warmth. Feeling the need for some more warmth, he stepped into the shower cubicle.

He stepped into the walk-in closet in a dressing coat after what felt like an eternity of warm water pouring all over him and the glass cubicle was clouded with steam.

He watched himself in the mirror as he dried his hair. He had no time to relax. Ren was dead, there would be a lot to handle. He would have to arrange for his funeral while planning Aiichiro’s death.

This was not the moment for him to give up. He didn’t have a chance. He would have to live under Aiichiro’s control forever if he didn’t end the man’s especially after such a bloody deal.

He placed the hairdryer into a drawer after properly combing and fixing his hair to start the day. He made sure to wear a good wristwatch and use cologne before stepping out of the closet into the room.

When he returned downstairs, Kiyoshi hurriedly reheated the food he brought and served him. Haruki sat and ate. The food felt tasteless as he chewed but he continued until he emptied his bowl of rice.

It was past noon but he went to work. He handled a few things before going to the main house. By the time he arrived, Ren’s body had been handled by a funeral home. The official cause of death was a sudden heart attack.

As he stepped into the house, most of his subordinates some of whom hadn’t returned to the main house due to their obvious connection to the Yakuza world were present.

Kiyoshi handled most of the things along with Ren’s second-in-command. They sent invitations to every member of the family. Ren was family, his roots were buried deep in their family and everyone alive had to be present to send him off.

He was the one handling most of their underworld issues, protecting them from both enemies they knew of and those they weren’t aware of. He was like a guardian angel overseeing that everyone in the family was safe so no one was allowed to miss his funeral.

The funeral was planned for the next day. It was best to handle things immediately. Without a body for further investigation, no one could start a rumour that could connect Ren’s death to anything else.

The wake was strictly for those invited as Haruki handled everything as Ren’s relative. The man had no wife nor kids.

He could almost conclude that Ren was asexual because during the past years that they were together, he had never heard any rumors of his relationship. Either that or the man was simply a workaholic who couldn’t focus on anything aside from work.

He could see the hidden reluctance in the eyes of his relatives as they greeted him. None of them looked this way when they attended his grand aunt’s funeral. They all looked sad.

The woman was the only angel in the family, the closest to him. She was the only one who didn’t actively offend any of her siblings.

The cosmetic company she handled were well-known brands both domestically and internationally but none of her siblings seemed to want it from her so she had no rival in the family.

It was inevitable that they would cry and wipe their tears over the death of the only female in their generation. She was also a good aunt to her siblings’ children.

Her funeral was very different from Ren’s. It showed how each of them had lived their lives. Most of Ren’s subordinates had done their crying away from everyone else. They could not be weak enough to cry before their colleagues.

Even those who were unable to hold their tears still turned away to mop their tears before facing others. It was cold. Haruki’s eyes remained calm betraying no emotion through the wake and the funeral.

He watched them push the tray in to burn and he felt relieved. Finally, Ren was gone. Even with the other multiple feelings he chose to hide, he still had to work hard at holding back a sigh of relief as the incinerator was closed.

Ren wanted to control his life and he got rid of him. It was the law of the jungle that had come into his life. He had to kill or get killed. He tried to remind himself as he went through all the rituals as he represented Ren’s family.

When everything was over, he could notice how all his relatives left hurriedly as though that was the last place they wanted to be. He looked around to notice Ren’s men were still around.

"Are you okay?" a familiar voice asked as he stood watching some of Ren’s men begin leaving.

He didn’t need to turn to know whose voice it was so he continued staring ahead without response.

"I came a bit late because I had surgery earlier today," the man continued even despite being ignored. "I am sorry."

Haruki knew that, as someone closely affiliated with the family, Hiroshi and his father must have been invited but why was the man talking to him?

"I am truly sorry for your loss," Hiroshi said bowing deeply.

Haruki finally turned to the man. Their gaze met and the scene of the last time they met in his office flashed through his mind.

Whatever they had going on between them was over from the moment Hiroshi stepped out of his office but why did he crave this man’s hug so badly? Why did Hiroshi’s eyes still hold the same warmth he saw the first day they met officially?

He turned away as he felt his eyes getting clouded and stared ahead.

"Once again, I am sorry I came late." Hiroshi apologised again but this time he got no response from Haruki. Haruki was ignoring him directly.

His father was the one who got invited, it was obvious they didn’t want him around Haruki but he had insisted on coming in his father’s stead stubbornly against his rational thought.

He had so many questions he wanted to ask Haruki. But the one that bugged his mind the most was why did Haruki look so sad when he had ordered the death of Ren himself?

Haruki had been cold enough to kill Ren. He knew Ren had betrayed Haruki first, which was why he was not surprised when his lawyer told him the result of his investigation. It was almost expected from who Haruki was.

However, what he had imagined was different from what he saw. He had arrived earlier watching Haruki from afar and the man looked nothing like the person who made a deal with his enemy to kill his mentor.

A part of him felt pity towards Haruki but the rational part of himself reminded him of what Haruki had done. It warned him that it could all be fake. It reminded him of the conversation they had in Haruki’s office.

It reminded him of how Haruki saw him as– replaceable, usable, and unimportant.